My first WoW Comic!!!

Okay....for quite a few years I've been using a program called Poser to create 3D "renders" (a fancy word for computer generated pictures).

I was thinking the other day that I should try making a wow comic. Here it is (I haven't "assembled it" into a comic frame yet...you're getting it raw.

I'd really like to know what you think (use comments, or talk to me in game!)!

If you're not a WoW player here are things you need to know:

1) Blizzard makes female armour ridiculously skimpy
2) When you're flying around you often find nodes of ore that you can mine (in this case Saronite)
3) There are 2 faction in WoW. The Alliance and the Horde (humans are part of the alliance)
4) "Polymorph" is a mage spell allowing you to turn another player or monster into a sheep (or other cute creature). You do this so that you can deal with any of the enemy's friends (or run away)
5) Some players have a skill "Tailoring" allowing them to make items of clothing. It's obvious Ariana has been neglecting this particular profession
6) An "HK" is an "Honorable Kill". Its something you get if you kill a player of the opposing faction (on a PvP server)

For you nitty-picky types:

I KNOW the armour is not from WoW (I got it from DAZ3D.com If you like this and want more...buy me a gift certificate! J/K...oh wait...no I'm not!)

I KNOW that there are quite a few ways to get out of this predicament without the intervention of a GM...I dunno...maybe they're newbs.

...and I KNOW my toons here look much more realistic than you find in WoW.


Click on the pictures to view the enlarged version

Down the Rabbit Hole

Dear Moo;

I've a wee bit of an issue here.

I just got my 15th toon to 85 (a Worgen Pally...I already got my goblin from 1-85). I've got 6 toons with an iLvl of 350, and is 525 in everything (even archeology). I would've got my toons to 85 faster but I raid 7 nights a week and try to get into Tol Barad as often as I can.

So anyway, I'm doing a quick BH on my Troll DK when I hear someone say, "Duuude, you need to stop...maybe sleep or something!"

I look around and see no one when it says again, "Hey, dipwad, down here!"

I look down and see my cat, Muffin, standing amongst the scattered red bull cans and empty Tim Horton's coffee cups staring up at me. She's obviously annoyed.

What the hell? I asked her why she's so bitchy. She points out I forgot to feed her and haven't changed her litter in a week. Wow...a week? Really?

I'm a bit baffled. I'm pretty sure cats can't talk. Muffins has always been special though.

So here's the thing. I'm kinda busy with WoW, do you know someone who could get her hooked up on the talk show circuit? I'd like to make some money off this


Signed,
Not Now, I'm Busy Playing WoW

Dear Not Now;

A talking cat huh, that's pretty amazing! I wish my cat Gus could talk, so he could tell me why he wanders around the house at 3am meowing his fool head off.

The problem with getting Muffin on the talk show circuit is primarily transportation. Many airlines don't let pets into the cabin and she must be shipped. Many kennels can arrange this for you, so I would suggest finding a good one in your area. You might want to warn them that Muffin talks, because you know...if she's bitchy it might cause problems.

As for the talk show hook up. I don't know anyone...apparently I'm just not famous enough to get on Carson....he's still alive, right?

Gratz on your wow accomplishments! I'm proud of you! It takes hard work, dedication to complete avoidance of any sort of social life to accomplish what you have!

I also want to thank you for taking yourself out of the dating pool and opening up the odds of me finding a girlfriend...presuming you're a guy (a straight one)...or a lesbian.

Now go feed the cat, change the litter, and take a shower!

Love,
Moo

Conflicting Priorities....

Dear Moo;

Cataclysm is about to come out and I'm in a bit of a situation here and hoping you can give me some advice.

I've been unemployed for about 8 months now. My wife and I are on the verge of being evicted.

Cataclysm is on the horizon and it is the one shining thing in my life that has kept me going through these dark times.

Well, dark until yesterday.

I checked my lottery ticket and have discovered that we are now $15 million richer!

Wow...all my problems disappeared! I rushed home to tell my wife she could stop crying, when it hit me....

Cata is next week! If I win the lottery now, my wife is at the very least going to want to move, but will probably want to travel! I don't want to miss opening week of Cataclysm! I can go with a couple of months of ramen noodles and hotdog weiners while I get to 85! The man at legal aid says he can put off the eviction for that long!

How the hell am I gonna play WoW if my wife is dragging me all over the world seeing the sites?! I don't wanna travel the world seeing the sites, I want to go to Hyjal and quest with my guild

While sitting watching our blank tv screen, pretending we were watching The Event (that show is pretty freaky, even if you make up what you're seeing), I sort of floated the idea that if we won the lottery, I'd get a kick ass laptop and a satellite internet connection while she went shopping. She said, "No way Jose!" (my name's not Jose btw).

So what do I do Moo? I'm pretty sure my wife would be happy with $15 million, but it would be months before I could Cata it up!

Signed,
Rich and Not Loving It


Dear Rich;

Well, you could always send your money to me. I don't have a wife to tell me what to do, and with $15 million I could just buy one who would do whatever I wanted (like not bugging me on raid nights)

The solution to your problem is quite simple. Divorce.

Give your wife the winning ticket and tell her to get lost. Its obvious that she's just not that into you if she won't let you play WoW on a satellite feed as you travel the world.

Sure, sure, you would miss out on being rich, but maybe you could make enough to support your habit by spending your time between raids pushing around a shopping cart and collecting recyclables and selling them.

I see all these ads about housewives who make thousands of dollars working from home. You could try whatever they do, but, if its prostitution it could get a bit weird (but hey, you could play WoW between clients...so that's not so bad huh?).

So, anyway, if you want to give me the $15 million, just email me for my address and I'll buy you a nice gaming machine.

Love,
Moo

Being Camped...Around the clock...

Dear Moo;

I'm a pirate. I like being a pirate. I get to walk back and forth on the same path, and sometimes I get to stand by a tent near Ratchet.

Its an exciting life for sure!

Lately, I'm having this problem. I keep getting camped by Level 80s. I mean seriously...level 80's, and some of them in heroic ICC gear. What the hell is wrong with these guys?! They run back and forth one shotting me and my friends. I rez, 30 seconds later, I'm dead! Is there an epidemic of insecurity amongst 80's that they have to boost their egos slaughtering us??

They do this for hours!! I haven't eaten in days! There's no time to eat!

Was it something I did? Something I said?

Is there some way I can get these rejects to leave us alone?!

Sincerly... er, I mean ARRRR Matey

Southsea Sarah



Dear Sarah;

You know, for someone whose supposed to be evil and the scourge of the seas you whine an awful lot.

Here's the problem. Its not the 80's grinding through you mercilessly...its you, and your pirate friends.

To avoid being ganked over and over again, there is are two things you can try to increase your lifespan.

Running Away. This tactic is moderately effective. You can increase its effectiveness by not rezzing when there are any player characters around, then rezzing quickly and running into the hills. You can further increase its effectiveness by not telling your friends. Let them act as yummy, distracting fodder while you flee.

The second is Hiding. This can lead to mixed results. Stand behind a tree or far up a hill. The 80's are well into their killing trance and won't look to hard for strays. You could always try hiding in a tent as well. No one bothers to look there when everyone is just standing around in plain sight.

That being said, you could look upon your many deaths as doing a great service to your fellow pirates in other locations. After all you're so easy to kill that no one bothers with the pirates in other locations. Oh hey, here's an idea. Try levelling up....stop being so frickin lazy!

It occurs to me that maybe Cheesybeards is hiring...I'm pretty sure 80's stay away from that place.

Love,
Moo

New Job Jitters

Dear Moo;

Ummm, I'm a long time reader, first time writer.

You don't know me, but I'm a level ?? dragon that's getting a lot of hype in World of Warcraft blogs, and updates and what not.

I even make a very brief but impressive appearance in an official wow video, er, I mean cinematic.

The day is approaching when I will wreck havoc across Azeroth and strike fear into the hearts of its denizens, and hopefully player characters! Well, its not me wrecking havoc, I've got a bunch of guys to do that...oh, and Sarah...sorry Sarah, didn't mean to leave you out.

Here's the problem Moo.

I'm terrified. I mean, what if I don't live up to everyone's expectations? I'm worried that the very first PuG that gets to me will one shot me and go bragging to all their friends and the entire world that they "1-shotted Deathwing!". I mean really, how would I live that down?

What if Blizz gets hate mail that I'm not viscous enough, hard enough, that I'm not a challenge at all!?

Seriously Moo I can't go back to working in a call center selling foot massagers to old people!! Do you know how humiliating it will be when I say, "Hello Ma'am, my name is Deathwing, and did you know that for today only you can get a special deal on the Relaxomatic vibrating foot massager?"

If that happens the wife will kill me and the kids will probably stop talking to me. I mean, now that all their school friends have heard that I'm going to be kicking ass in Azeroth they're cool again. If I get fired, they're probably going to get beat up.

So, Moo, what's your advice? If this is performance anxiety how do I deal with it? And if its not, do you know anyone whose hiring dragons?

Due to a Non-Disclosure Agreement I signed with Blizzard, I can't reveal my name, so just sign me as "Henry".

PS. I like my steak lean, so if you can shed a few pounds before 85, I'd really appreciate it!




Dear Henry

I'll admit that I'm a bit conflicted here. First off you ask for my help, then you make a snide comment about my weight.....are you maybe my first wife?

Anyway, lets get to your issues.

New job jitters are something that everyone goes through. Well everyone that's ever had a job. So don't worry, its natural.

The key to being your best at your new job is preparation. You're supposed to be a big bad raid boss, and there are ways you can ensure you are.

The first thing I would do in your place is go to Tankspot and start watching boss fight videos, learn from your predecessors mistakes.

Here are some tips...

First thing, you should always go for healers first. Ignore the ones that start the fight...they're called tanks and can be very very hard to kill. Healers are often wearing cloth armour and are very likely more chewy than crunchy...if you like that sort of thing.

Note to self: Respec Elemental

After the healers are dead the raid is pretty much screwed, so you can just take your time and eat whomever looks tastiest.

To assist with this I would click this
link and do some research on how to avoid being drawn to tanks.

The next thing...and this is very important....never do the same thing twice. Raids expect you to follow a script.
Use your imagination and try things like hiding in different parts of the instance and jumping out at the raid when they are afk for bio's and things like that. Note that if you come in behind the raid, that's usually where the healers are standing.
You could also try assembling a raid of your own. Gather up some of your friends and make the fight fair.

Now, hopefully you find this advice helpful, and can maybe help me out a bit. I'll email you a list of players I wouldn't mind seeing demolished over and over again!

Good Luck!
Moo

Hate Magnet....

Hi Moo;

I really need your help.

I need gear really bad, so I started putting together ICC raids to get it.

I am very particular with who I take. If you don't have good enough gear, I won't take you.

That's good right? I mean I don't want to fail, so I work to keep the best group possible.

Whenever I start advertising in /trade everyone starts making fun of me! People are upset that I turn them down because they haven't got gear off of the second wing, pointing out that I have Naxx gear on...but Moo...its Naxx 25!!

Besides, I'm not doing it so *they* can get gear, I'm doing it so I can get gear! I mean really....if they need gear let them put together their own raids!

So it's only gotten worse this past week! I begrudgingly accepted a DK tank who was just below my minimum gearscore (but she did point out that she was 800 points ahead of me). I'm a DK, so ya know, I thought there was a connection.

So you know, because we're DK's and sort of like bro's (except she's a girl), I figured she'd understand me replacing her with a pally tank that came on after we got Lady Deathwhisper down.

I don't get it. I did her a favour letting her do those 2 bosses with us...that's 4 frost badges.

She freaks out! She gets all religious on me ranting about how now she's saved...and Moo, I'm not a very religious guy, but I think people who've been saved don't use language like she was using.

It seems everytime I run a raid, it falls apart, and I just get more and more gnerdrage in trade channel.

Any advice

Signed
/trade channel hate magnet



Dear Magnet;

People now a days, eh?

I mean really, you have to go by gearscore now a days as skill isn't so important as to who might be rolling against you on gear. So, your gs is 4.8, don't take anyone below 5.4, because they might compete with you for gear.

That is completely reasonable.

And the DK you raid kicked because someone better came along. Completely understandable. I think it was awful selfish of her to spout of at you because you decided that a pally tank might not roll against you for gear...er, ummm, was better. She should've been thinking of you and the 8 other strangers in the raid and just left quietly.

I kid of course (so put your angry anti-Moo posters away).

I kind of feel sorry for you. All your life you've been carried and now you expect people in game do it for you.
You're like the guy they hand the clipboard to, give you a spot to stand and a special hat to wear. They make you feel important, your name is on the team roster and picture when they win....but you didn't do a damn thing to get them there.

Of course your motivation behind all this is clear. You don't don't give a damn about running ICC. This is about revenge.

You got turned down from so many raids because of your Naxx gear that something in your brain broke. You've gone mad from rejection and have found a way to get your revenge...

So you start your own ICC groups and play grand marshal saying yay or nay. Accepting, shifting and removing people at whim.....without actually ever going to ICC.

This way you get to power trip, ruin people's night by making sure they don't get into a raid that's actually going to ICC, then being so fussy that after a couple of hours you have to say, "Sorry, it looks like this isn't happening".

Of course you seem to forget that people have memories in game, and will start mocking you whenever you pop on trade.

This is a good case of what goes around, comes around. You screw over enough people, they're going to call you out.

My advice...change names, change servers, change games. But whatever you do remember that people don't play this game for you, they play for themselves, but many of them...unlike you, aren't so selfish to play games like this.

Love,
Moo

Real ID

You know, I have to wade in on this.

Its not too hard to figure out who I am. I have a Facebook fan group...and I started it.

That being said, very few of you know that my alt is DK tank extraordinaire Reginamorte. Oh wait, did I type that out loud?

I don't worry about stalkers. I'm a shape shifting ninja...I can pretty much handle anything that comes at me. I should point out that the reason I'm in a hurry to log off after raids is so I can go and fight crime, not surf porn! (I am a *good* shape-shifting ninja...not like my twin brother Hashiro, who is evil (I wear red, he wears black...we're easy to tell apart).

Anyway...

The Real ID thing is more than about privacy. It is about Blizzard losing touch with their users. There is a definitive move towards making Battlenet like Facebook.

The blue post announcing this speaks of how Blizzard employees are 'enthusiastic' users of social networking services. They speak of how they noticed how real life friendships were forged at Blizzcon.

That's nice.

I know tons of WoW players who despise social networking. The wouldn't go to Blizzcon if Blizz paid all their expenses and offered free dancing girls. (I'd go for the dancing girls!). They do not play to "forge real-life" friendships.

They play WoW to play a game. Yes, they've made some friends along the way. But that doesn't mean they want to be their friend outside of the game, or even know who they really are.

For Blizzard to think that because they are enthusiastic users of social networking, that that means everyone must be is well...naive.

When I started playing, I was a woman. It wasn't deliberate. I was playing on an RP server. I rolled a Night Elf because I thought she looked hot. I got my friend to play. He rolled a female human for the same reason. We joined a guild, we got to know people. I didn't discuss my non-game life *at all*.

My friend however, discussed my "real life" at length with my guildies. He talked about how I was 40, professional, despised men, had a string of broken relationships...and oh yes, I was a woman.

That didn't last too long, we eventually fessed up and we all had a good laugh.

My point in telling this story?

World of Warcraft is a game. For many (myself included) this is an escape. Here I am not a frazzled, overworked, stressed computer programmer. I am "Moo", laid back, funny, and oft distracted healer. I like being "Moo".

When I played on the RP server, I played a character, fully. It was my choice. I was active in the forums, active in game, and I had a good time with it.

I see a time coming when Blizz will casually announce that RealID will be mandatory to chat in game....and you have the option of Opting out, by merely not chatting.

If RealID goes past the forums, and into the game itself (outside of its current incarnation, which I have turned off), I will leave World of Warcraft.

It will make me sad to do it...as I said, I like being Moo. But there are other games and new adventures.

Thanks for listening. I needed to babble.

A real Ask Moo will be along in a day or two...I'm out of ideas right now.

Huntard

Hi Moo;

I'm an 80 hunter. My friends are all trying to get me to raid. So I do, but then they tell me I'm terribad.

I'm fully spec'd in beast mastery, all 71 points. I figure this is good because I've got a wolf as a pet and when he enrages he turns all red and scary. I mean if he scares me, how do the mobs feel about him? I'm told I should spec survival but we've got a really, really good tank...I mean she's freakin awesome! So if I'm never getting hit why would I need to spec survival?

Then there is this rotation stuff. I got asked in a raid what my rotation was, and when I told them I used my mouse to turn and would rotate left or right, depending on the situation, they kicked me out!! I mean why?? I thought keyboard turning was bad!

I asked my friend and he told me to go and search for "Hunter Rotations". So I did, but all I find is algebra!! I mean SS + AS + ES. I was pretty bad at math in school, so I don't understand what they mean.

My friends all raid without me and it sounds like they're having a really good time, but all I do is go pick flowers and make potions for them.

Can you help me to not suck Moo?

Signed,

Don't want to be a Huntard


Dear Huntard;

You actually got kicked from a raid because you're not a keyboard turner? I'm shocked!

I was actually going to roll a hunter, because doing massive damage with autoshoot would give me more time to surf porn while raiding, but, well, we needed a healer, and I'm awesome at healing. So that's that. (my tank almost dropped dead when I mentioned I surf porn during boss fights (I thought she knew)...I wonder why?)

I don't think your problem is your rotation, or the fact that you epic fail at math. Btw, SS + AS + ES = 42...just so you know. The issue. despite your assertions that you think you're doing good, is your constant need for attention.

When you think of it, you're kind of pathetic. Being a hunter isn't that hard so you're obviously sucking for attention...that reminds me of a girl I knew once, but I digress. I wonder how your friends feel about your fishing for compliments when you hand them the potions you made them...I wonder how they feel about you giving them potions and not flasks?

You could try and switch tactics and try to get attention by being really good. But you're a hunter and this is an uphill battle...as this excerpt from the chat window of a recent raid will show

HUNTER: OMG, I just did 32k dps!
TANK: Wow, ummmmmm, gratz?
TANK Whispers Moo: Isn't that normal for a hunter?
MOO: What? Sorry, I wasn't paying attention.

If you can't do that I would suggest taking up one or more of the following professions or hobbies to feed your need for attention:

- Stripper
- Astronaut
- Movie Star
- Rock Star
- Lady Gaga's Fashion Designer
- Guy or girl who stands downtown wearing a tinfoil hat shouting that the world will end (people pretend to not pay attention, but believe me they are!)
- Guy or girl who storms out of his house wearing nothing but a bathroom and screams at all the kids to get off his lawn (this usually works for me)
- Girl who wears white after labour day.
- Person who spontaneously combusts at a shopping mall

Those are only a few suggestions, I'm sure with a little thought you can expand the list!

Cheers,
Moo

The family that raids together...doesn't necessarily...

Dear Moo,

My husband and I have been World of Warcraft for a few years now, it’s been going fairly well. However, I've met this other woman in game...a BELF Pally tank and lately it seems I’ve been more excited playing with her than my husband. I’m very confused as I don’t feel friendship towards her, it’s more primal.


Confused Cow


Dear Confused;

What's going on here is pretty obvious.
You haven't mentioned your husband's class, or playstyle or leetness at all, so I'm going to presume he's a casual player.

And there's nothing wrong with that, except in the case where you're married to, and playing with another WoW Player.

You're probably worried about your feelings towards this other woman, wondering if you're bi-sexual, or maybe even a full-on lesbian. I can imagine this is keeping you awake at night, with questions like "Do I invite my husband to my "Coming Out" Party?"

Well, relax. You're probably not a lesbian...probably.

What is more likely is that you have a condition called Opaphelia, or more properly spelt OPaphelia. You are sexually attracted to players who truly are OP, regardless of their race or gender (in game and irl)

You likely haven't noticed this before, as I imagine you wrote off the little twinges of lust you felt when watching someone climb the meters to the porn you were surfing in another window. If you don't surf porn in another window you were probably thinking about it...same thing.

But, you've "befriended" this woman so you're around her more and have noticed these primal urges are associated with her online status.

What to do about this? Well there are a couple of avenues.

The first, and the one I would recommend is to engage in hot, steamy cybersex. I'm willing to assist in this. Merely send me the chat logs (and any webcam, voice chat recordings), and I will give them a thorough analysis...at no charge because you're an avid reader.

This will allow you to fully explore your feelings.

The second you will need to alter your gaming set up for. First off...wrap your monitor in plastic, then go out and buy one of those roll-up rubber waterproof keyboards. Move your PC so it is well away from your seat.

Next, you'll need one of those water cooler things with the 18L jugs of water (make sure it refrigerates the water.

Once you have all that set up, get a big pitcher and keep it filled with chilled water at all times.

Whenever your friend comes online or speaks to you, douse yourself with cold water, liberally.

This is called "aversion therapy". It sounds like it would be pretty effective.

I hope something in all this has helped.

Good luck!

Cheers,
Moo

Hiatus is almost over

Hi Folks;

I should've posted this sooner. I've been silent.

I had a death in the family. My beloved aunt, Tante Lettie passed after a brief fight with cancer. She was taken suddenly and it hit me hard. May she rest in peace.

Immediately after her funeral I had to go to Dallas for a week for work. It was a busy but fun week (The Gaylord Texan is awesome for kids...for adults...kinda boring, unless you're there with WoW on your laptop...wireless sucks though).

I also got hit with the forum ban hammer for advertising my blog. So if you know any place where I can post updates, or get them to link to my blog I'd be grateful

I'm back and I've a few ideas brewing, so a new letter will be posted soon!

...if you've any ideas for letters, please email me!


Luv,
Moo

'Lock Aggro

Hi Moo;

I haven't been playing this game too long. I've got a hunter whose just hit level 30.

When I first started playing it was fun. I met this warlock and we started questing together. Pretty soon we started talking about our lives outside the game, and you know, I really like this guy (but not in a gay way).

So anyway, we got into a fight about how hunters are OP and stopped questing together. I kept trying to patch things up, then one day he put me on his ignore list.

I was crushed.

I saw him every now again, and saw he was leveling really fast. Last I saw him he was 74!

One day while I was questing in Duskwood and hearthed back to Stormwind for something and there he was in the inn! I saw him turn towards me and waved at him but he ran off with some guildies.

A few minutes later, he whispered me, "Hey". I was so happy! I replied, then he said, "1 sec"

A couple of minutes later I got a summons from him! I took it, and ended up way out in the ocean with him and 2 of his guildies. I asked them if they needed my help on a quest or something, then they hearthed! I died like 5 times from fatigue trying to swim back to Stormwind!

I whispered him asking him what went wrong that he had to hearth. He logged off.

I didn't hear from him for a couple of weeks. Then out of the blue he whispered me and asked if I could hearth to Stormwind and pick him up some mana drinks, then he'd summon me and give me 15 gold. He's my friend, so of course I said yes!

So he summons me. To Storm Peaks. On top of a mountain. In the middle of nowhere!

I get there and I see him and his friends flying off. I can't fly off anywhere! I'm only level 30!

I didn't get my 15g either!

Why does he keep summoning me for help and then go away? I mean, if he's so busy why doesn't he wait before summoning me?

Signed,
Don't Summon Me!


Dear Don't

This is a real head scratcher. Seriously, I just scratched my head.

There are two problems here. The first is that you're needy and don't have many friends. I think there are a couple of things you could do to fix this.

The first, everyday at the same time you should sit in front of a mirror, look at yourself and say this. "Hi, my name is [your name here], I smart, and talented. I'm a good person and I'm good at World of Warcraft. I'm not at all needy or gullible, and dog gone it people like me!"

Back in the 80's they called this a "Daily Affirmation". It was for people with self-esteem so low that they'd believe any positive bullshit they'd hear from anyone...including a mirror.

If you don't have a mirror or aren't incredibly lame, you might try SecondLife. You can build some hot, sexy toon and have members of the opposite sex pay lots of attention to you. You can run around and try to find quests, but good luck with that.

All that's well and good if you're a bit of a...I want to use the word pansy, but I don't want to insult you. So ummm, hmmm, if you're ahhh...mild mannered.
Otherwise there is only one thing you can do...

REVENGE!!!!

You're low level and he's climbing up pretty quick so changing factions and camping his ass isn't going to work...and by camping his ass, I don't mean in a gay way.

Here's what I would do in your situation.

Go out and start a trial account and see if you can post to the forums with it. Go to the realm forums and post looking for Horde PvP'ers willing to take up your cause. Offer to pay them, in real money. Make it a contest, like...the first person to send you a screen shot of his corpse will get $500 in their paypal account (I personally would go much higher, but that's me).
Then you neglect to close the contest once the deed is done. It would be good in fact to keep bumping up your post. You might want to switch servers or factions after doing this though...because you know...you're pissing off people who like to camp other players.

If that's not to your taste I would take a leave of absence from your job (or quit outright and move back to your parents basement...unless you're already there). Get your hunter up to 80 ASAP and start raiding. Change your toon's name too. Get into raids with him and constantly misdirect on him. Do this everytime your CD's are up. Make sure you yell at him in vent for not watching his threat.

You'll probably get found out by the raid, but as long as you've got the money to change your name repeatedly you can do it over and over.

One more suggestion.
Roll a warlock with the same name as your "friend". Use some special characters but very discrete ones. Level your new lock to 80. Then join raids. Roll on plate armour, curse at people and generally suck. Make sure no one would ever invite you to a raid again. Do that often, as much as you can.
Also, yell alot in Dalaran, and in trade. Curse at people, insult them, tell people you can do crafting that you can't...and make them come to you in Silvermoon, offering them great deals to make it worth the trip.
Your friend's name will be mud. Keep an eye on his friends. If you see them hanging out with a new warlock with similiar gear, change your name using the same rule...something that looks identical.

And remember, "Revenge is a dish best served cold."

Have fun, and be safe!
Moo.

Emote Hell

/target Mooicusrex
/golfclap
/angry
/chicken
/invite
/invite to sign charter
/invite to sign charter
/invite to sign charter
/invite to sign charter
/duel
/duel
/duel
/duel
/duel
/spit
/chicken
/rude
/gasp
/bark
/bite
/snub

Signed,
Goober



Dear Goober;

/ignore Goober

Luv,
Moo



--apologies to all the Goober's out there...I just picked a name out of thin air :)

Feeling Picked On...

Hi Moo;

I'm a Prot Warrior. I went Prot because that's what my wife said our guild needed. I'm supposed to do something called "Tanking". I don't know what that means, but my guild was pretty happy when I said that..something about not having to PuG.

I was happy just running around picking flowers and emoting waves to Allied players. Sometimes they kill me, which hurts my feelings, but wifey says that's part of the game and I shouldn't get too upset about it.

So anyway, I started raiding, but I don't get it. I'm mean I'm pretty good at following instructions. My wife sat with me and showed me what buttons to push when certain things happened. Like to start a fight I press 4 to drop Death and Decay, then T for Icy Touch, then F for Plague, then 6 for Pestilence, then G twice, then B until I can't do that, then G again. Oh every once in awhile I have to hit the "forward" button on this cool mouse my wife bought me to do Death Coil...I like doing that, the graphic is neat.

So here's my question...why do the mobs pick on me? I mean there are 9 other people in the raid, but they always seem to be hitting me...and omg, if they hit someone else I get screamed at to "Pick it up! Pick it up!"? I can't find the "Pick Up" button, and when asked my wife she just threw me a look and walked out of the room.

I need to figure this out. I hate it when they attack only me...I mean sometimes they hit someone named OT....his nameplate says something different...I opened up a ticket telling Blizz my UI was bugged, but all I got from the GM was "Stop bugging me with jokes" and he closed the ticket!

I talked about going back to flower picking and selling stuff on the AH, but my wife cut me off for like 2 weeks! (normally its only a week and a half and only when I do good in raids).

Help Moo!

Signed,
Bullied by Mobs (and my guild sometimes)


Dear Bullied;

Why do mobs pick on you? Well, I checked your guild out on the armory and you're the prettiest one there. Mobs hate toons that are pretty...that's why raids filled with Orcs, Trolls and Gnomes do so well and ones with Blood Elf, Human, Night Elf and Tauren females do so poorly. The mobs can't generate the jealousy required to do uuber damage when the toons are as ugly as they are.

But that's not really your issue is it? The problem is your marriage, more specifically you.

I hate to tell you this, but to your wife you're nothing more than an organic multi-boxing add on. Does she have a nickname for you...is it "Bot"?

The fact that you're less worried about this and more worried that mobs pick on you speaks volumes about how you view yourself in the world. I wouldn't say this is self-esteem but it runs deeper than that.

I'd be willing to wager that while you were growing up your mom told you you were pretty, and, when your dad wasn't around, dressed you up in dresses and pigtails.

Now, I don't know how your wife will react to this, but you need to man up...and if it works and she doesn't like the fact that you can think for yourself, you won't care.

So....here's what you have to do.

Drop the wine coolers and drink beer...not the good imported stuff...get the cheapest stuff you can get...and learn to belch. My dad always told me that cheap beer puts hair on a man's chest, so I think its got testosterone in it or something.

Next, watch as much Ultimate Fighting as you can. Condition yourself not to look away during the violent bits, but rather jump off the couch and cheer jubilantly (extra points if you spill your beer doing this).

Next...work on your raiding. Go to tankspot.com and read up on DK tanking. Here's the thing....tanks WANT mobs to hit them. And when you're in a raid and a mob your tanking goes after dps...yell at them (the dps, not the mob)....tell them something like "WATCH YOUR FUCKING THREAT NOOB OR YOU CAN BLOODY WELL TANK IT!!!"...practice in a mirror...get good at saying that.

Work on being the best tank you can be.

Now we'll deal with the wife and hopefully save your marriage...

Go get Recount Meter, and watch your wife's dps. If she's not at the top, gently criticize her, and suggest she grind heroics for better gear. If she's at the bottom, mock her for it, then refuse to speak to her until she improves.

As for sex...I would tell her that unless she's at the top of the meter she's on her own.

You'll likely find this the best advice on saving your marriage you can get. Remember, I've been married twice, so I've had lots of practice.

Oh wait...if your wife is a healer, then, well...treat her like gold!

Best of Luck!
Moo



-a note from Moo. No offense to imported beer drinkers...I drink Stella, and if you've a problem with that I'll happily shove my beautifully crafted Stella pint glass down your throat! :)

AFK Anxiety

Dear Moo;

I'm running a 25 man ICC raid atm, and I've got a problem. I need your help urgently.

One of my tanks said, "brb, bio". Then a healer said, "afk for a tick".

It's been 20 minutes!

People are getting bitchy and telling me to kick them, but its hard finding a tank, and the healer has a really hot voice on vent. I like it when she talks...its hot!

Help Moo, I don't want to have PuG slots but people are getting anxious!

Signed,
Don't want to go back to Dal to spam for PuG's.



Dear Don't Wanna Spam

Well, the one thing is obvious that your tank and healer are off having sex...maybe with each other, maybe with themselves. Remember when someone says they're taking a bio that could mean fulfilling any biological function...and sex is one of the most awesome biological functions going.

Now, its only been 20 minutes, so I think your raid might be filled with a bunch of kids hopped up on Red Bull, because 20 minutes isn't that long to wait.

The fact that everyone is remote makes some of the standards of keeping people like that amused out of the question. I'm talking things like shaking your keys at them, or flashing a laser pointer around a wall so they can chase it.

So, here are some things you can try to keep them amused....

Offer them all a pony if they stay. This can get complicated, especially if you don't happen to have a herd of ponies that you're not doing anything with. If you do, ensure you check on what hurdles you have to jump through to export livestock. Check carefully because there are probably special rules for cute livestock like ponies.

One of my favorite things to do is compare raid bosses to my ex-wives. Like when Lady Deathwhisper yells, "What is this disturbance?! You dare trespass upon this hallowed ground? This shall be your final resting place." gives me fond memories of trying to initiate sex with my first wife.

Impatient raid members are also a fertile flock for spreading rumours. Come up with some rumour that will make them scramble for web pages for confirmation. You could try things like:

-Hey, did you hear in Cata that DK's will get a Pally bubble?

-Wow, Resto shammies will be getting an AoE fear! or

-Hey, have any of you ever played Everquest? They just bought Blizz and have announced "big changes"


You get the idea...be creative! After starting the rumour, its important that you too go afk to avoid being put in a position where you have to provide a reference. But always provide somethine vague, like, "Oh, a blue post", or "I think I saw it on wow.com, or tankspot, I don't remember which". Remember, the idea is to keep them busy hunting down the source of these rumours!

So, are your afkr's back yet?

Cheers,
Moo

Ni Hao!

Hi Moo;

I guess I should start by saying that I really dig Asian chicks.

So I met this Asian girl playing a Blood Elf hunter with a really strange name "Xixixix" out in Terrokar Forest way back and from the moment she said "Ni Hao" I was in love!

I think she lives with her parents or something because all her messages are in code. She sends me to websites that say things like "YOU LOVE OUR PRICES BEST GOLD PRICES EVER!!" She obviously wants me to know that she loves me, and that she needs gold.

After a week, I nearly fell out of my chair when her website changed to say, "SPECIAL LOW PRICES JUST FOR YOU!". That's true love, right Moo?

What followed was months of secret discount codes, just for me...obviously our love was growing. I figured out the secret language of gold amounts translating to things she'd like to do to me (10g meant a kiss, don't make me say more :) ).

I don't mind buying her gold, but I wonder what she spends it on, because, well her gear is crap. All she does is run around and grind mobs and pick flowers and mine ore...every time I'm on, that's all she does.

I ask her if she wants to run some instances and she sends me to a website that says, "SALE CLOSING SOON! BUY GOLD NOW AT BEST PRICES!". I mean that's a pretty obvious secret message right?

Here's what making me think its over Moo and I don't know what to do...

I caught her the other day spamming her secret message websites in /trade. I mean..holy crap...she's a slut...sending OUR secret messages to every loser in trade?!

Do you see anyway I can save this Moo?

Signed,
Lovelorn



Dear Lorn;

Well, the short answer to this is no, there is no way to save this. I'm sorry to be so blunt.

Its obvious that you weren't man enough for her, or you couldn't buy her enough gold. Some people are fickle that way...they always want more and it looks like your girl's appetites were too great for you to fulfill.

This whole thing goes back to you and your relationship with your mother.
I say, with a fair degree of certainty, that you were breastfed well into your teens, often in front of your friends...if you had any friends. I can't imagine the trauma you went through when your mom finally cut you off (I won't go into her issues here).

Normally I would, at this point, explain to you that you were being a delusional twit in falling in love with a gold farmer, and the fact that you actually bought gold and gave it to her is more funny than then the time I tried to heal Marrowgar on my Death Knight.

But no, I'm not going to tell you that, what I will tell you is that I know a girl who is perfect for you! Her name is Fddjxyl, she is a level 1 Blood Elf Mage on Aegwynn.

If you've got the gold (say 1k a chat), she's got the time!

If she's not on and I am whisper me, and I'll go get her...ignore the fact that she and I are never on at the same time. Oh, she's never on Tuesdays, Thursdays or Sundays, because those are my raid nights. She, uh....babysits for me when I'm raiding!

Cheers,
Moo





Home Page

Your Kink is okay with me...

Hi Moo;

I'm a level 75 male Blood Elf Mage and I need some advice on this issue that's been hounding me since I've been level 20 or so.

I play with a group of friends. We play almost every day and its sort of fun, but its also very frustrating... on a sexual level.

We've got a female undead Warlock in our group. She's a good friend and has a sexy voice, but well...its not her (ewww...undead...smelly!), but her umm, ahhh....her Succubus.

I mean, okay, I guess I'm normal in that who wouldn't fall in love with a sexy little minx that can stun-lock charm you, but Moo...its...her whip! I go mad with jealousy when I see her flogging mobs, so much so that I think its made me dps better.

I've talked to my Warlock friend about this, suggesting she use other pets, like her Voidwalker. I even bribed her to Demon spec so she'd get a Felguard, but no, she stays affliction, and despite the fact that it violates all WoW Warlock theorycrafting she keeps her Succubus out because she "likes her".

So every time I play its hard, watching the succubus swing her whip around and not getting even a taste! Whens she emotes, "I'm not touching you!", it makes me want to scream, "TOUCH ME!! I'VE BEEN BAD! TOUCH ME!".

Its sort of like watching porn with your parents. You can watch, you can get aroused, but you can't do anything about it!

What do I do Moo?!

Signed,
Frustrated


Dear Frustrated;

Right off the cuff, my advice would be to drop WoW and take up Hello Kitty Online as I'm fairly certain there are no hot whip swinging toons there.

But of course WoW is the best game ever invented (with the possible exception of Badminton) so you don't want to give it up, so we need to explore options for you.

I'm not sure how well you know the warlock or if you'd trust her enough to open up to her about your needs. If you are, tell her what you need. You could even bribe her to duel you and let her succubus loose without dotting you up.

There are a some potential problems with that, so lets discuss them.
The first and has the most potential for serious rl problems is if you pay your warlock friend for this, you might want to consult with lawyers in both your jurisdictions as prostitution laws can be tricky. Remember, this would make your warlock friend a pimp.

If you're not worried about that, then you need to make sure you do this privately. While we know that they are rare, there are tales of players within the game who make sport of belittling others. I personally have never seen this, but I once heard it happens.

If one of these players is around when you are essentially getting your ass handed to you by a warlock's pet, your reputation is going to suffer and you'll probably be flamed in General and Trade Chat as a "noob". You might even be accused of having bought your toon on e-Bay.

You might want to try going onto your realm forums and mock Alliance warlocks while leaving your toon standing at the gates of ICC on the off chance one of them will only use their succubus on you, but that will be hit and miss.

The only other thing that I can suggest you try is googling "Succubus Porn". I would, but I have enough vices and don't really have time to squeeze in any more.

Good Luck!
Moo

Too Much Awsome for Raids

Hi Moo;

I've got a f**king problem with stupid motherf**cking jerkoff PUG raid leaders!

For some stupid f**cking reason my guild never have f**cking room for me on their f**cking runs! I've been looking for some other c**cks**cking guild to take me, but everyone of the motherf**ckers won't let me f**cking join!

So anyway, I got to f**cking PuG every f*cking time I want to f**cking raid.

Here's the f**king problem. I keep getting kicked by stupid, moron, asshole, f**king, c**ks**king raid leaders!

I have f**king awesome f**king leet dps. Everyone else is shit compared to me! I don't mind telling the lazy, stoopid f**king newbs how to play their motherf**king class either!

I try to f**cking inspire these morons by saying things like "LEARN YER F**KING ROTATATION YOU STOOPID F**KING NOOB!". I know no one like being called names, so I do it, so they'll get better so I f**king stop...ya feel me?

The f**king raid leader then says, "Hey, calm down dude, its okay, its just a game."
So I call the motherf**ker a "f**king faggot", and he kicks me out!

Ya know, its probably because he f**king applied to my c**ks**king guild and was denied....motherf**ker!

So what do I do Moo? I needz gearz!

Signed

Sick of Stupid Motherf**king Raid Leaders.


Dear Stupid Motherf**ker;

I can tell you've spent hours perfecting the craft of articulate, meaningful expression.

My mother was always telling me that profanity is the realm of the weak mind and a poor grasp of the English language...but wtf does she know right?

So lets try and address your main problem.

Its a well known fact that PuG raid leaders don't like players who outshine them. So the problem is obvious that you're pushing 20K dps and making everyone else look like a moron.

That's the only reason I can think of that would get you continuously kicked out of raids. You state yourself that you go out of your way to help your fellow PuG'rs be better and to not fail so bad.

Its hard to find a solution about this because so many players who put PuGs together are really overly sensitive to awesome dps. They call excessive profanity "anti-social", and "disruptive"

I think the only solution for you is to when you're advertising for a raid, make sure you post your awesome 20K dps abilities so that you'll only be picked up by PuGs who aren't fail!

I jest of course....you're a moron, go play Super Mario Brothers on your Nintendo64 and leave us alone!

Love,
Moo

WoW Widow

Hi Moo;

I don't play this stupid game, but its causing some huge problems in my marriage. I've tried conventional advice columns but they haven't worked, so I'm turning to you.

My husband, Bill, is addicted to World of Warcraft. Its like I don't exist anymore. Its always "Raid Night", or "Achievement Night", or "Sorry honey, my guildies need me!"
What about ME?! I need him too!

I have to steal the power cord to his PC and his laptop battery in order to get him to help out with chores around the house, and when I do that he bitches at me for the 10 or 15 minutes it takes to take the garbage out, and then if I try to get him to do anything else he throws a temper tantrum, literally! He sits on the floor and cries until I give him his stuff back. Then I usually get a tirade about how he missed out on a "daily random" whatever that is.

Don't get me started about our sex life. Its non-existent. He never has time. I mean, it used to be all right when he started the stupid game, but really, why the hell did he have to start foreplay by yelling, "LOK TAR! You've got Bill aggro!" and insist I yell back "ZUG ZUG" as he jumped on me?!

I want my husband back Moo!

Signed
Frustrated WoW Widow



Dear Widow;

I'm very glad you brought this to me. I am more qualified than most to help you deal with this. I've been married twice and this makes me an expert in inter-spousal communication.

While I can understand your frustration on one level, I think you are missing some very serious advantages here.
First off, you can watch whatever you want on tv. You never have to fight for control of the remote, or put up with endless re-runs of Stargate SG1!

But if you really do want your man's attention, I suppose there are things you can do to get him back.

Its important to realize that some of the things that draw people to the game are quests and achievements. I would suggest that you incorporate these into your daily routine.

So, instead of yelling, "Hey Bill, do the dishes!", you would get his attention by standing in front of him holding a blue cardboard exclamation point over your head. Then say something like this:

"Oh Noble Bill, my kitchen is in danger of being over run by maggots and other disgusting, creepy crawling things! Only you, brave adventurer can save me! If you take this dish washing kit, and clean the dishes, I will give 14 gold and 75 rep when you return to me!"

When he comes back after completing the "quest", give him some of those chocolate coins covered in gold foil, and something from the basement that you were going to throw out anyway like old socks. Call them something like "Eviscerating Socks of the Condor". If he asks about vendoring the socks, offer some more "gold" for them. (you can just keep using the same socks, he won't notice, or care)

Keep a "Reputation Bar" on the fridge and colour it in as he gains rep with you. At each level (Friendly, Honoured, Revered and Exalted), be prepared to reward him with something. Once he's exalted, its typical that an "Epic Mount" be offered ("wink wink")

You can see that this has some limitations as it will only work until he reaches Exalted.

With some imagination you can expand out the quest and achievement system to cover many things

Do you like jewelery? Make it clear that he can earn rep with daily turn ins of ear rings, necklaces, whatever you like!

Need him to pick up his dirty clothes and put them in the hamper? Create an achievement!

Want him to take you out to dinner? Mention that your favorite dish at your favorite restaurant is "buff food" and will give him +stam (he'll know what it means).

Failing all that, you could always dress up like a Blood or Night Elf and dance on a mailbox. That seems to turn some guys on....

Hey, if you do that last thing, send me pictures, I'll help you with your uh...authenticity!

Cheers,
Moo


Home Page

My Tank Hates Me

Hi Moo;

I'm a level 80 Death Knight, with aspirations to do awesome dps in ICC! (if I can ever get in).

I'm having problems with my dps and I think I know why.

My tank hates me.

She starts the fight, I drop Death and Decay, and she pulls the mobs off of it...everytime! I mean, its a big red circle on the floor! How hard can it be to leave the mobs there!

I'm afraid to bring this up with her because I'm afraid she'll just let me tank..and then I might break a nail or something!

What do I do Moo? Can you help me handle this?!

Signed,
Tank Related Crappy DPS


Dear Crappy DPS

Have you considered just death gripping the mobs back to your circle o' death? That forces the tank to come back to you and gives them the fun of trying to pull aggro off you. Added fun for the healer trying to keep you alive too!

I jest of course. The problem isn't your tank, but you.

Despite your reference to "breaking a nail" I suspect you are male, insecure in your masculinity at that. You popping your DnD prematurely is indicative of deep seated sexual issues that has likely caused problems throughout your life.

Outside of an "arrangement" to drop a Cure Disease totem in a House of "Ill Repute" every once in awhile I'm not really qualified to deal with sexual issues, but I can make some suggestions as to how to deal with this.

Its important not to dwell on past performance. This will lead to problems in upcoming fights. The technical term for this is "performance anxiety". It is a particular problem when working with tank for whom you have an attraction.

A bit of this is natural of course as you will want to impress her, and, what's more, you'll want her turning to you whenever she needs dps.

I'm going to suggest that, while setting up for the fight, take a few deep, slow breathes. Its important to communicate with the tank prior, so she knows you are ready and engaged in the process. A good way to communicate subtly is to blow your Horn of Winter and buff everyone.

When the fight starts, to prevent popping your Death and Decay too soon that you mentally review complex theorycrafting until the time is just right. Then drop Death and Decay, and impress your tank with your awesome dps. When the mob goes down you will leave her impressed and anxious for the next fight!

Cheers,
Moo.

Trapped in the 80's (the decade, not the level)

Hi Moo;
I have a perplexing problem, and I need your help.
Our Guild Master is pretty good at stuff like putting together raids, but I'm deeply concerned about him.
He's on the young side (if I sent him porn I'd probably go to jail), so you'll see that this is a real issue.
He seems to be stuck in the 80's.
Whenever he keys his mike in vent we hear horrible music in the background, I mean, stuff like Boy George and ABBA!
We thought maybe his mom had her stereo on, but we've since discovered that she prefers bands like Staind and Saliva.
How can we help him Moo!


Signed,
Worried

Dear Worried

I can see that you're concerned and I'm glad you brought this to me

There's nothing wrong with your friend's musical taste so long as he's kind of lame and over the age of 40. Even then I would suggest therapy. But, as you say, he's not, so this is a problem.

Unfortunately for your friend, being trapped by such music at a young age only has one solution.

Sadly, there are only a few jurisdictions in the world where humans can be euthanized. So, unless you live in Holland or Sweden, your friend is pretty much screwed.

You say his mom listens to Staind and Saliva, so its not parental influence. My parents listened to Charli Pride and Johnny Horton every Sunday, and while I still know all the lyrics to "Kiss an Angel Good Morning" and "Whispering Pines" I would rather stick a hot screwdriver in my ear that listen to those again.

So, euthanasia, and parental influence are out.

Okay, here's an idea. This works on me all the time.
You need a really hot girl (if he's into those) . If you can't find a volunteer, hit up your guild for contributions and check out the "Erotic Services" section of the Craigslist in your city.

Have this girl befriend him, and subtly exert influence. Its been my experience that guys will do anything for hot girls.

Failing that, I think the only solution is a "long drive out into the country"
Just make sure he doesn't have a cell phone with built in gps because he'll find his way home.

It occurs to me that you could probably make a few bucks off of that. Go to Best Buy, pick up a decent camcorder, and follow him around the woods. I think the Documentary Channel would pay for something titled "The Feral GM".

That's the best I can do with this one....euthanasia is probably your best bet. Maybe everyone chip and get him a ticket to Amsterdam?

Cheers,
Moo.

Needs more to do

Dear Moo,

All of my life, I've wanted an answer to one question, and due to your unrivaled brilliance, I feel you may hold the answer. This all consuming query is the age old "how much wood could a woodchuck chuck, if a woodchuck could chuck wood?"

Sincerely,

Hoping you have life's important answers

Dear Hoping;

The answer to this one is deeper than you could ever comprehend.
I could delve into the tangibles of this, the layers of complexity involving variables such as the thickness of the enamel on the woodchuck's teeth, the caloric intake on the day of the chucking, the age and relative health of woodchuck.
But that's not really the issue here is it?
Let's be honest, if you've been wondering this "all your life" then there is something deeply troubling going on.
First off, I can see why you play a hunter. The 2 button rotation required for awesome dps allows your mind to wander to such places.
Secondly, go read a book or something, because you know...there are better things to wonder about...like what does Angelina Jolie look like naked? Well you can go watch Gia to figure that out.
So how about this...what does Teryl Rothiery (the doctor on Stargate SG1 for the first 7 seasons) look like naked...yes, that's it.....
oh, sorry I zoned there for a second.
But to answer your question (yes, I have the answer) to use the metric system, the answer is 42.

Regards,
Moo

Confused DK

Dear Moo;

I'm a level 80 Death Knight whose interested in raiding.

The problem is that I think I'm pregnant! (I'm female btw).

I haven't had my "visitor" now for a very very long time!

OMG, is there a day care in ICC? Does T10 plate come in maternity sizes?!

omg, what will my mom say?!

Moo! Help!!

Signed,
Don't wanna be a mom!

Dear Don't Wanna;

You really need to start ninja'ing cloth gear because omg, do you ever need the +int!

Let me start with some basic biology.

I'm no doctor (oh wait, I'm a healer...so I guess I am!) but I'm pretty sure there are three basic requirements to menstrate.

These are:

i) You be female
ii) You have reached puberty but not menopause, and.....
iii) YOU HAVE A PULSE!

I don't know if maybe you were sleeping in Death Knight school, but you do know you're dead right?!

To sum up:
You're dead, that's why you don't get your period.
So, the problem isn't that you're pregnant, its that fact that you're stupid.

Love,
Moo

Distracted Healer

Dear Moo;

My healer is pretty good but is easily distracted. I think he surfs porn while healing me in boss fights.
He's a pretty good guy (for a pervert), but how can get him to pay attention to me instead of watching porn during raids?

Signed,
Please don't let me die you pervert!

Dear Let Me Die;

Well, I think the problem here is not your healer, but you.
Do you have any idea how unattractive plate armour is?
Do you think your healer would rather be looking at you, or some nubile thing on some free porn website.

To delve into theorycrafting for a moment, I think the following formula applies:

titties>plate armour

But, of course none of this helps you. Here's what I would do.

If you're not a female toon, pay for a change so you can become one.

Then, just before the raid, take off your armour and raid nude.

It always helps to stop tanking and emote a kiss or something every so often.

Your healer will be paying attention and everyone will be happy!!