AFK Anxiety

Dear Moo;

I'm running a 25 man ICC raid atm, and I've got a problem. I need your help urgently.

One of my tanks said, "brb, bio". Then a healer said, "afk for a tick".

It's been 20 minutes!

People are getting bitchy and telling me to kick them, but its hard finding a tank, and the healer has a really hot voice on vent. I like it when she talks...its hot!

Help Moo, I don't want to have PuG slots but people are getting anxious!

Signed,
Don't want to go back to Dal to spam for PuG's.



Dear Don't Wanna Spam

Well, the one thing is obvious that your tank and healer are off having sex...maybe with each other, maybe with themselves. Remember when someone says they're taking a bio that could mean fulfilling any biological function...and sex is one of the most awesome biological functions going.

Now, its only been 20 minutes, so I think your raid might be filled with a bunch of kids hopped up on Red Bull, because 20 minutes isn't that long to wait.

The fact that everyone is remote makes some of the standards of keeping people like that amused out of the question. I'm talking things like shaking your keys at them, or flashing a laser pointer around a wall so they can chase it.

So, here are some things you can try to keep them amused....

Offer them all a pony if they stay. This can get complicated, especially if you don't happen to have a herd of ponies that you're not doing anything with. If you do, ensure you check on what hurdles you have to jump through to export livestock. Check carefully because there are probably special rules for cute livestock like ponies.

One of my favorite things to do is compare raid bosses to my ex-wives. Like when Lady Deathwhisper yells, "What is this disturbance?! You dare trespass upon this hallowed ground? This shall be your final resting place." gives me fond memories of trying to initiate sex with my first wife.

Impatient raid members are also a fertile flock for spreading rumours. Come up with some rumour that will make them scramble for web pages for confirmation. You could try things like:

-Hey, did you hear in Cata that DK's will get a Pally bubble?

-Wow, Resto shammies will be getting an AoE fear! or

-Hey, have any of you ever played Everquest? They just bought Blizz and have announced "big changes"


You get the idea...be creative! After starting the rumour, its important that you too go afk to avoid being put in a position where you have to provide a reference. But always provide somethine vague, like, "Oh, a blue post", or "I think I saw it on wow.com, or tankspot, I don't remember which". Remember, the idea is to keep them busy hunting down the source of these rumours!

So, are your afkr's back yet?

Cheers,
Moo