Tuesday, July 5, 2011

No Pause Button?

Dear Moo;

Why doesn't Blizzard put a frickin pause button in the game?!!

I mean, really, do you know how many times I've died because I had to go to the washroom? And you know, somedays it would be really good to just be able to pause the game redo my button bar because I realize mid fight I could suck less if I do that.

Do you have any idea why they don't do this?

I Need to Pee!

Dear 90's Gamer;

Pause buttons are a thing of the past. Sort of like bridging technology between Zork and World of Warcraft.

It was pretty awesome to be able to pause a game mid fight, go get a coke (coke that tasted like classic but was regular coke), maybe go take a piss (that's what they called it back then...none of this "bio break" stuff). Then you can come back and keep going with the fight.

If you still fail you can pause again and go to the local Radio Shack and buy a guide on how to win the fight, stop off for dinner and a movie and still be at the same place when you come in at 3am smelling of cheap wine and latex. (not that that ever happened to me)

But, happily, I think there is a work around to not being able to pause WoW.

You know how at times everything else in the game freezes? I'm going to show you how to do that on purpose!

This is caused by "lag" which is caused when something interferes with the electrons coming from the internet to your computer. So that's what we need to replicate.

Look behind your computer for a cable that has two flashing lights by the place where it plugs in.

This is called an ethernet cable and its what connects your computer to the internet. They call it an ethernet cable because when the guy who invented it started waving it around the lab telling his mates that one day you would be able to get porn through it they thought he was sniffing ether. Because back then the only way to get good porn was to put on a coat with a hood, or a ridiculously large baseball cap with equally ridiculously large sunglasses, walk very quickly through a seedy neighbourhood and go into a store where the clerk was invariably an aging hippy with only a passing acquaintance with personal hygiene and mutter something about "needing this for research for a college class" as you shoved your stack of magazines across the counter to be rung through.

I digress. You need to unravel this cord until you've got enough to be able to lie a bit of it flat on the floor beside your computer.

Now, whenever you want to pause the game, you need to put something very heavy on this bit of the cord. This will stop the electrons from flowing and WoW will pause!

You might have to take a couple of shots at this, just try heavier and heavier objects until you get it!

I hope this helps!


Friday, December 31, 2010

My first WoW Comic!!!

Okay....for quite a few years I've been using a program called Poser to create 3D "renders" (a fancy word for computer generated pictures).

I was thinking the other day that I should try making a wow comic. Here it is (I haven't "assembled it" into a comic frame yet...you're getting it raw.

I'd really like to know what you think (use comments, or talk to me in game!)!

If you're not a WoW player here are things you need to know:

1) Blizzard makes female armour ridiculously skimpy
2) When you're flying around you often find nodes of ore that you can mine (in this case Saronite)
3) There are 2 faction in WoW. The Alliance and the Horde (humans are part of the alliance)
4) "Polymorph" is a mage spell allowing you to turn another player or monster into a sheep (or other cute creature). You do this so that you can deal with any of the enemy's friends (or run away)
5) Some players have a skill "Tailoring" allowing them to make items of clothing. It's obvious Ariana has been neglecting this particular profession
6) An "HK" is an "Honorable Kill". Its something you get if you kill a player of the opposing faction (on a PvP server)

For you nitty-picky types:

I KNOW the armour is not from WoW (I got it from DAZ3D.com If you like this and want more...buy me a gift certificate! J/K...oh wait...no I'm not!)

I KNOW that there are quite a few ways to get out of this predicament without the intervention of a GM...I dunno...maybe they're newbs.

...and I KNOW my toons here look much more realistic than you find in WoW.

Click on the pictures to view the enlarged version

Wednesday, December 29, 2010

Down the Rabbit Hole

Dear Moo;

I've a wee bit of an issue here.

I just got my 15th toon to 85 (a Worgen Pally...I already got my goblin from 1-85). I've got 6 toons with an iLvl of 350, and is 525 in everything (even archeology). I would've got my toons to 85 faster but I raid 7 nights a week and try to get into Tol Barad as often as I can.

So anyway, I'm doing a quick BH on my Troll DK when I hear someone say, "Duuude, you need to stop...maybe sleep or something!"

I look around and see no one when it says again, "Hey, dipwad, down here!"

I look down and see my cat, Muffin, standing amongst the scattered red bull cans and empty Tim Horton's coffee cups staring up at me. She's obviously annoyed.

What the hell? I asked her why she's so bitchy. She points out I forgot to feed her and haven't changed her litter in a week. Wow...a week? Really?

I'm a bit baffled. I'm pretty sure cats can't talk. Muffins has always been special though.

So here's the thing. I'm kinda busy with WoW, do you know someone who could get her hooked up on the talk show circuit? I'd like to make some money off this

Not Now, I'm Busy Playing WoW

Dear Not Now;

A talking cat huh, that's pretty amazing! I wish my cat Gus could talk, so he could tell me why he wanders around the house at 3am meowing his fool head off.

The problem with getting Muffin on the talk show circuit is primarily transportation. Many airlines don't let pets into the cabin and she must be shipped. Many kennels can arrange this for you, so I would suggest finding a good one in your area. You might want to warn them that Muffin talks, because you know...if she's bitchy it might cause problems.

As for the talk show hook up. I don't know anyone...apparently I'm just not famous enough to get on Carson....he's still alive, right?

Gratz on your wow accomplishments! I'm proud of you! It takes hard work, dedication to complete avoidance of any sort of social life to accomplish what you have!

I also want to thank you for taking yourself out of the dating pool and opening up the odds of me finding a girlfriend...presuming you're a guy (a straight one)...or a lesbian.

Now go feed the cat, change the litter, and take a shower!


Tuesday, November 30, 2010

Conflicting Priorities....

Dear Moo;

Cataclysm is about to come out and I'm in a bit of a situation here and hoping you can give me some advice.

I've been unemployed for about 8 months now. My wife and I are on the verge of being evicted.

Cataclysm is on the horizon and it is the one shining thing in my life that has kept me going through these dark times.

Well, dark until yesterday.

I checked my lottery ticket and have discovered that we are now $15 million richer!

Wow...all my problems disappeared! I rushed home to tell my wife she could stop crying, when it hit me....

Cata is next week! If I win the lottery now, my wife is at the very least going to want to move, but will probably want to travel! I don't want to miss opening week of Cataclysm! I can go with a couple of months of ramen noodles and hotdog weiners while I get to 85! The man at legal aid says he can put off the eviction for that long!

How the hell am I gonna play WoW if my wife is dragging me all over the world seeing the sites?! I don't wanna travel the world seeing the sites, I want to go to Hyjal and quest with my guild

While sitting watching our blank tv screen, pretending we were watching The Event (that show is pretty freaky, even if you make up what you're seeing), I sort of floated the idea that if we won the lottery, I'd get a kick ass laptop and a satellite internet connection while she went shopping. She said, "No way Jose!" (my name's not Jose btw).

So what do I do Moo? I'm pretty sure my wife would be happy with $15 million, but it would be months before I could Cata it up!

Rich and Not Loving It

Dear Rich;

Well, you could always send your money to me. I don't have a wife to tell me what to do, and with $15 million I could just buy one who would do whatever I wanted (like not bugging me on raid nights)

The solution to your problem is quite simple. Divorce.

Give your wife the winning ticket and tell her to get lost. Its obvious that she's just not that into you if she won't let you play WoW on a satellite feed as you travel the world.

Sure, sure, you would miss out on being rich, but maybe you could make enough to support your habit by spending your time between raids pushing around a shopping cart and collecting recyclables and selling them.

I see all these ads about housewives who make thousands of dollars working from home. You could try whatever they do, but, if its prostitution it could get a bit weird (but hey, you could play WoW between clients...so that's not so bad huh?).

So, anyway, if you want to give me the $15 million, just email me for my address and I'll buy you a nice gaming machine.


Tuesday, November 9, 2010

Being Camped...Around the clock...

Dear Moo;

I'm a pirate. I like being a pirate. I get to walk back and forth on the same path, and sometimes I get to stand by a tent near Ratchet.

Its an exciting life for sure!

Lately, I'm having this problem. I keep getting camped by Level 80s. I mean seriously...level 80's, and some of them in heroic ICC gear. What the hell is wrong with these guys?! They run back and forth one shotting me and my friends. I rez, 30 seconds later, I'm dead! Is there an epidemic of insecurity amongst 80's that they have to boost their egos slaughtering us??

They do this for hours!! I haven't eaten in days! There's no time to eat!

Was it something I did? Something I said?

Is there some way I can get these rejects to leave us alone?!

Sincerly... er, I mean ARRRR Matey

Southsea Sarah

Dear Sarah;

You know, for someone whose supposed to be evil and the scourge of the seas you whine an awful lot.

Here's the problem. Its not the 80's grinding through you mercilessly...its you, and your pirate friends.

To avoid being ganked over and over again, there is are two things you can try to increase your lifespan.

Running Away. This tactic is moderately effective. You can increase its effectiveness by not rezzing when there are any player characters around, then rezzing quickly and running into the hills. You can further increase its effectiveness by not telling your friends. Let them act as yummy, distracting fodder while you flee.

The second is Hiding. This can lead to mixed results. Stand behind a tree or far up a hill. The 80's are well into their killing trance and won't look to hard for strays. You could always try hiding in a tent as well. No one bothers to look there when everyone is just standing around in plain sight.

That being said, you could look upon your many deaths as doing a great service to your fellow pirates in other locations. After all you're so easy to kill that no one bothers with the pirates in other locations. Oh hey, here's an idea. Try levelling up....stop being so frickin lazy!

It occurs to me that maybe Cheesybeards is hiring...I'm pretty sure 80's stay away from that place.