'Lock Aggro

Hi Moo;

I haven't been playing this game too long. I've got a hunter whose just hit level 30.

When I first started playing it was fun. I met this warlock and we started questing together. Pretty soon we started talking about our lives outside the game, and you know, I really like this guy (but not in a gay way).

So anyway, we got into a fight about how hunters are OP and stopped questing together. I kept trying to patch things up, then one day he put me on his ignore list.

I was crushed.

I saw him every now again, and saw he was leveling really fast. Last I saw him he was 74!

One day while I was questing in Duskwood and hearthed back to Stormwind for something and there he was in the inn! I saw him turn towards me and waved at him but he ran off with some guildies.

A few minutes later, he whispered me, "Hey". I was so happy! I replied, then he said, "1 sec"

A couple of minutes later I got a summons from him! I took it, and ended up way out in the ocean with him and 2 of his guildies. I asked them if they needed my help on a quest or something, then they hearthed! I died like 5 times from fatigue trying to swim back to Stormwind!

I whispered him asking him what went wrong that he had to hearth. He logged off.

I didn't hear from him for a couple of weeks. Then out of the blue he whispered me and asked if I could hearth to Stormwind and pick him up some mana drinks, then he'd summon me and give me 15 gold. He's my friend, so of course I said yes!

So he summons me. To Storm Peaks. On top of a mountain. In the middle of nowhere!

I get there and I see him and his friends flying off. I can't fly off anywhere! I'm only level 30!

I didn't get my 15g either!

Why does he keep summoning me for help and then go away? I mean, if he's so busy why doesn't he wait before summoning me?

Signed,
Don't Summon Me!


Dear Don't

This is a real head scratcher. Seriously, I just scratched my head.

There are two problems here. The first is that you're needy and don't have many friends. I think there are a couple of things you could do to fix this.

The first, everyday at the same time you should sit in front of a mirror, look at yourself and say this. "Hi, my name is [your name here], I smart, and talented. I'm a good person and I'm good at World of Warcraft. I'm not at all needy or gullible, and dog gone it people like me!"

Back in the 80's they called this a "Daily Affirmation". It was for people with self-esteem so low that they'd believe any positive bullshit they'd hear from anyone...including a mirror.

If you don't have a mirror or aren't incredibly lame, you might try SecondLife. You can build some hot, sexy toon and have members of the opposite sex pay lots of attention to you. You can run around and try to find quests, but good luck with that.

All that's well and good if you're a bit of a...I want to use the word pansy, but I don't want to insult you. So ummm, hmmm, if you're ahhh...mild mannered.
Otherwise there is only one thing you can do...

REVENGE!!!!

You're low level and he's climbing up pretty quick so changing factions and camping his ass isn't going to work...and by camping his ass, I don't mean in a gay way.

Here's what I would do in your situation.

Go out and start a trial account and see if you can post to the forums with it. Go to the realm forums and post looking for Horde PvP'ers willing to take up your cause. Offer to pay them, in real money. Make it a contest, like...the first person to send you a screen shot of his corpse will get $500 in their paypal account (I personally would go much higher, but that's me).
Then you neglect to close the contest once the deed is done. It would be good in fact to keep bumping up your post. You might want to switch servers or factions after doing this though...because you know...you're pissing off people who like to camp other players.

If that's not to your taste I would take a leave of absence from your job (or quit outright and move back to your parents basement...unless you're already there). Get your hunter up to 80 ASAP and start raiding. Change your toon's name too. Get into raids with him and constantly misdirect on him. Do this everytime your CD's are up. Make sure you yell at him in vent for not watching his threat.

You'll probably get found out by the raid, but as long as you've got the money to change your name repeatedly you can do it over and over.

One more suggestion.
Roll a warlock with the same name as your "friend". Use some special characters but very discrete ones. Level your new lock to 80. Then join raids. Roll on plate armour, curse at people and generally suck. Make sure no one would ever invite you to a raid again. Do that often, as much as you can.
Also, yell alot in Dalaran, and in trade. Curse at people, insult them, tell people you can do crafting that you can't...and make them come to you in Silvermoon, offering them great deals to make it worth the trip.
Your friend's name will be mud. Keep an eye on his friends. If you see them hanging out with a new warlock with similiar gear, change your name using the same rule...something that looks identical.

And remember, "Revenge is a dish best served cold."

Have fun, and be safe!
Moo.

Emote Hell

/target Mooicusrex
/golfclap
/angry
/chicken
/invite
/invite to sign charter
/invite to sign charter
/invite to sign charter
/invite to sign charter
/duel
/duel
/duel
/duel
/duel
/spit
/chicken
/rude
/gasp
/bark
/bite
/snub

Signed,
Goober



Dear Goober;

/ignore Goober

Luv,
Moo



--apologies to all the Goober's out there...I just picked a name out of thin air :)

Feeling Picked On...

Hi Moo;

I'm a Prot Warrior. I went Prot because that's what my wife said our guild needed. I'm supposed to do something called "Tanking". I don't know what that means, but my guild was pretty happy when I said that..something about not having to PuG.

I was happy just running around picking flowers and emoting waves to Allied players. Sometimes they kill me, which hurts my feelings, but wifey says that's part of the game and I shouldn't get too upset about it.

So anyway, I started raiding, but I don't get it. I'm mean I'm pretty good at following instructions. My wife sat with me and showed me what buttons to push when certain things happened. Like to start a fight I press 4 to drop Death and Decay, then T for Icy Touch, then F for Plague, then 6 for Pestilence, then G twice, then B until I can't do that, then G again. Oh every once in awhile I have to hit the "forward" button on this cool mouse my wife bought me to do Death Coil...I like doing that, the graphic is neat.

So here's my question...why do the mobs pick on me? I mean there are 9 other people in the raid, but they always seem to be hitting me...and omg, if they hit someone else I get screamed at to "Pick it up! Pick it up!"? I can't find the "Pick Up" button, and when asked my wife she just threw me a look and walked out of the room.

I need to figure this out. I hate it when they attack only me...I mean sometimes they hit someone named OT....his nameplate says something different...I opened up a ticket telling Blizz my UI was bugged, but all I got from the GM was "Stop bugging me with jokes" and he closed the ticket!

I talked about going back to flower picking and selling stuff on the AH, but my wife cut me off for like 2 weeks! (normally its only a week and a half and only when I do good in raids).

Help Moo!

Signed,
Bullied by Mobs (and my guild sometimes)


Dear Bullied;

Why do mobs pick on you? Well, I checked your guild out on the armory and you're the prettiest one there. Mobs hate toons that are pretty...that's why raids filled with Orcs, Trolls and Gnomes do so well and ones with Blood Elf, Human, Night Elf and Tauren females do so poorly. The mobs can't generate the jealousy required to do uuber damage when the toons are as ugly as they are.

But that's not really your issue is it? The problem is your marriage, more specifically you.

I hate to tell you this, but to your wife you're nothing more than an organic multi-boxing add on. Does she have a nickname for you...is it "Bot"?

The fact that you're less worried about this and more worried that mobs pick on you speaks volumes about how you view yourself in the world. I wouldn't say this is self-esteem but it runs deeper than that.

I'd be willing to wager that while you were growing up your mom told you you were pretty, and, when your dad wasn't around, dressed you up in dresses and pigtails.

Now, I don't know how your wife will react to this, but you need to man up...and if it works and she doesn't like the fact that you can think for yourself, you won't care.

So....here's what you have to do.

Drop the wine coolers and drink beer...not the good imported stuff...get the cheapest stuff you can get...and learn to belch. My dad always told me that cheap beer puts hair on a man's chest, so I think its got testosterone in it or something.

Next, watch as much Ultimate Fighting as you can. Condition yourself not to look away during the violent bits, but rather jump off the couch and cheer jubilantly (extra points if you spill your beer doing this).

Next...work on your raiding. Go to tankspot.com and read up on DK tanking. Here's the thing....tanks WANT mobs to hit them. And when you're in a raid and a mob your tanking goes after dps...yell at them (the dps, not the mob)....tell them something like "WATCH YOUR FUCKING THREAT NOOB OR YOU CAN BLOODY WELL TANK IT!!!"...practice in a mirror...get good at saying that.

Work on being the best tank you can be.

Now we'll deal with the wife and hopefully save your marriage...

Go get Recount Meter, and watch your wife's dps. If she's not at the top, gently criticize her, and suggest she grind heroics for better gear. If she's at the bottom, mock her for it, then refuse to speak to her until she improves.

As for sex...I would tell her that unless she's at the top of the meter she's on her own.

You'll likely find this the best advice on saving your marriage you can get. Remember, I've been married twice, so I've had lots of practice.

Oh wait...if your wife is a healer, then, well...treat her like gold!

Best of Luck!
Moo



-a note from Moo. No offense to imported beer drinkers...I drink Stella, and if you've a problem with that I'll happily shove my beautifully crafted Stella pint glass down your throat! :)

AFK Anxiety

Dear Moo;

I'm running a 25 man ICC raid atm, and I've got a problem. I need your help urgently.

One of my tanks said, "brb, bio". Then a healer said, "afk for a tick".

It's been 20 minutes!

People are getting bitchy and telling me to kick them, but its hard finding a tank, and the healer has a really hot voice on vent. I like it when she talks...its hot!

Help Moo, I don't want to have PuG slots but people are getting anxious!

Signed,
Don't want to go back to Dal to spam for PuG's.



Dear Don't Wanna Spam

Well, the one thing is obvious that your tank and healer are off having sex...maybe with each other, maybe with themselves. Remember when someone says they're taking a bio that could mean fulfilling any biological function...and sex is one of the most awesome biological functions going.

Now, its only been 20 minutes, so I think your raid might be filled with a bunch of kids hopped up on Red Bull, because 20 minutes isn't that long to wait.

The fact that everyone is remote makes some of the standards of keeping people like that amused out of the question. I'm talking things like shaking your keys at them, or flashing a laser pointer around a wall so they can chase it.

So, here are some things you can try to keep them amused....

Offer them all a pony if they stay. This can get complicated, especially if you don't happen to have a herd of ponies that you're not doing anything with. If you do, ensure you check on what hurdles you have to jump through to export livestock. Check carefully because there are probably special rules for cute livestock like ponies.

One of my favorite things to do is compare raid bosses to my ex-wives. Like when Lady Deathwhisper yells, "What is this disturbance?! You dare trespass upon this hallowed ground? This shall be your final resting place." gives me fond memories of trying to initiate sex with my first wife.

Impatient raid members are also a fertile flock for spreading rumours. Come up with some rumour that will make them scramble for web pages for confirmation. You could try things like:

-Hey, did you hear in Cata that DK's will get a Pally bubble?

-Wow, Resto shammies will be getting an AoE fear! or

-Hey, have any of you ever played Everquest? They just bought Blizz and have announced "big changes"


You get the idea...be creative! After starting the rumour, its important that you too go afk to avoid being put in a position where you have to provide a reference. But always provide somethine vague, like, "Oh, a blue post", or "I think I saw it on wow.com, or tankspot, I don't remember which". Remember, the idea is to keep them busy hunting down the source of these rumours!

So, are your afkr's back yet?

Cheers,
Moo

Ni Hao!

Hi Moo;

I guess I should start by saying that I really dig Asian chicks.

So I met this Asian girl playing a Blood Elf hunter with a really strange name "Xixixix" out in Terrokar Forest way back and from the moment she said "Ni Hao" I was in love!

I think she lives with her parents or something because all her messages are in code. She sends me to websites that say things like "YOU LOVE OUR PRICES BEST GOLD PRICES EVER!!" She obviously wants me to know that she loves me, and that she needs gold.

After a week, I nearly fell out of my chair when her website changed to say, "SPECIAL LOW PRICES JUST FOR YOU!". That's true love, right Moo?

What followed was months of secret discount codes, just for me...obviously our love was growing. I figured out the secret language of gold amounts translating to things she'd like to do to me (10g meant a kiss, don't make me say more :) ).

I don't mind buying her gold, but I wonder what she spends it on, because, well her gear is crap. All she does is run around and grind mobs and pick flowers and mine ore...every time I'm on, that's all she does.

I ask her if she wants to run some instances and she sends me to a website that says, "SALE CLOSING SOON! BUY GOLD NOW AT BEST PRICES!". I mean that's a pretty obvious secret message right?

Here's what making me think its over Moo and I don't know what to do...

I caught her the other day spamming her secret message websites in /trade. I mean..holy crap...she's a slut...sending OUR secret messages to every loser in trade?!

Do you see anyway I can save this Moo?

Signed,
Lovelorn



Dear Lorn;

Well, the short answer to this is no, there is no way to save this. I'm sorry to be so blunt.

Its obvious that you weren't man enough for her, or you couldn't buy her enough gold. Some people are fickle that way...they always want more and it looks like your girl's appetites were too great for you to fulfill.

This whole thing goes back to you and your relationship with your mother.
I say, with a fair degree of certainty, that you were breastfed well into your teens, often in front of your friends...if you had any friends. I can't imagine the trauma you went through when your mom finally cut you off (I won't go into her issues here).

Normally I would, at this point, explain to you that you were being a delusional twit in falling in love with a gold farmer, and the fact that you actually bought gold and gave it to her is more funny than then the time I tried to heal Marrowgar on my Death Knight.

But no, I'm not going to tell you that, what I will tell you is that I know a girl who is perfect for you! Her name is Fddjxyl, she is a level 1 Blood Elf Mage on Aegwynn.

If you've got the gold (say 1k a chat), she's got the time!

If she's not on and I am whisper me, and I'll go get her...ignore the fact that she and I are never on at the same time. Oh, she's never on Tuesdays, Thursdays or Sundays, because those are my raid nights. She, uh....babysits for me when I'm raiding!

Cheers,
Moo





Home Page

Your Kink is okay with me...

Hi Moo;

I'm a level 75 male Blood Elf Mage and I need some advice on this issue that's been hounding me since I've been level 20 or so.

I play with a group of friends. We play almost every day and its sort of fun, but its also very frustrating... on a sexual level.

We've got a female undead Warlock in our group. She's a good friend and has a sexy voice, but well...its not her (ewww...undead...smelly!), but her umm, ahhh....her Succubus.

I mean, okay, I guess I'm normal in that who wouldn't fall in love with a sexy little minx that can stun-lock charm you, but Moo...its...her whip! I go mad with jealousy when I see her flogging mobs, so much so that I think its made me dps better.

I've talked to my Warlock friend about this, suggesting she use other pets, like her Voidwalker. I even bribed her to Demon spec so she'd get a Felguard, but no, she stays affliction, and despite the fact that it violates all WoW Warlock theorycrafting she keeps her Succubus out because she "likes her".

So every time I play its hard, watching the succubus swing her whip around and not getting even a taste! Whens she emotes, "I'm not touching you!", it makes me want to scream, "TOUCH ME!! I'VE BEEN BAD! TOUCH ME!".

Its sort of like watching porn with your parents. You can watch, you can get aroused, but you can't do anything about it!

What do I do Moo?!

Signed,
Frustrated


Dear Frustrated;

Right off the cuff, my advice would be to drop WoW and take up Hello Kitty Online as I'm fairly certain there are no hot whip swinging toons there.

But of course WoW is the best game ever invented (with the possible exception of Badminton) so you don't want to give it up, so we need to explore options for you.

I'm not sure how well you know the warlock or if you'd trust her enough to open up to her about your needs. If you are, tell her what you need. You could even bribe her to duel you and let her succubus loose without dotting you up.

There are a some potential problems with that, so lets discuss them.
The first and has the most potential for serious rl problems is if you pay your warlock friend for this, you might want to consult with lawyers in both your jurisdictions as prostitution laws can be tricky. Remember, this would make your warlock friend a pimp.

If you're not worried about that, then you need to make sure you do this privately. While we know that they are rare, there are tales of players within the game who make sport of belittling others. I personally have never seen this, but I once heard it happens.

If one of these players is around when you are essentially getting your ass handed to you by a warlock's pet, your reputation is going to suffer and you'll probably be flamed in General and Trade Chat as a "noob". You might even be accused of having bought your toon on e-Bay.

You might want to try going onto your realm forums and mock Alliance warlocks while leaving your toon standing at the gates of ICC on the off chance one of them will only use their succubus on you, but that will be hit and miss.

The only other thing that I can suggest you try is googling "Succubus Porn". I would, but I have enough vices and don't really have time to squeeze in any more.

Good Luck!
Moo

Too Much Awsome for Raids

Hi Moo;

I've got a f**king problem with stupid motherf**cking jerkoff PUG raid leaders!

For some stupid f**cking reason my guild never have f**cking room for me on their f**cking runs! I've been looking for some other c**cks**cking guild to take me, but everyone of the motherf**ckers won't let me f**cking join!

So anyway, I got to f**cking PuG every f*cking time I want to f**cking raid.

Here's the f**king problem. I keep getting kicked by stupid, moron, asshole, f**king, c**ks**king raid leaders!

I have f**king awesome f**king leet dps. Everyone else is shit compared to me! I don't mind telling the lazy, stoopid f**king newbs how to play their motherf**king class either!

I try to f**cking inspire these morons by saying things like "LEARN YER F**KING ROTATATION YOU STOOPID F**KING NOOB!". I know no one like being called names, so I do it, so they'll get better so I f**king stop...ya feel me?

The f**king raid leader then says, "Hey, calm down dude, its okay, its just a game."
So I call the motherf**ker a "f**king faggot", and he kicks me out!

Ya know, its probably because he f**king applied to my c**ks**king guild and was denied....motherf**ker!

So what do I do Moo? I needz gearz!

Signed

Sick of Stupid Motherf**king Raid Leaders.


Dear Stupid Motherf**ker;

I can tell you've spent hours perfecting the craft of articulate, meaningful expression.

My mother was always telling me that profanity is the realm of the weak mind and a poor grasp of the English language...but wtf does she know right?

So lets try and address your main problem.

Its a well known fact that PuG raid leaders don't like players who outshine them. So the problem is obvious that you're pushing 20K dps and making everyone else look like a moron.

That's the only reason I can think of that would get you continuously kicked out of raids. You state yourself that you go out of your way to help your fellow PuG'rs be better and to not fail so bad.

Its hard to find a solution about this because so many players who put PuGs together are really overly sensitive to awesome dps. They call excessive profanity "anti-social", and "disruptive"

I think the only solution for you is to when you're advertising for a raid, make sure you post your awesome 20K dps abilities so that you'll only be picked up by PuGs who aren't fail!

I jest of course....you're a moron, go play Super Mario Brothers on your Nintendo64 and leave us alone!

Love,
Moo