Feeling Picked On...

Hi Moo;

I'm a Prot Warrior. I went Prot because that's what my wife said our guild needed. I'm supposed to do something called "Tanking". I don't know what that means, but my guild was pretty happy when I said that..something about not having to PuG.

I was happy just running around picking flowers and emoting waves to Allied players. Sometimes they kill me, which hurts my feelings, but wifey says that's part of the game and I shouldn't get too upset about it.

So anyway, I started raiding, but I don't get it. I'm mean I'm pretty good at following instructions. My wife sat with me and showed me what buttons to push when certain things happened. Like to start a fight I press 4 to drop Death and Decay, then T for Icy Touch, then F for Plague, then 6 for Pestilence, then G twice, then B until I can't do that, then G again. Oh every once in awhile I have to hit the "forward" button on this cool mouse my wife bought me to do Death Coil...I like doing that, the graphic is neat.

So here's my question...why do the mobs pick on me? I mean there are 9 other people in the raid, but they always seem to be hitting me...and omg, if they hit someone else I get screamed at to "Pick it up! Pick it up!"? I can't find the "Pick Up" button, and when asked my wife she just threw me a look and walked out of the room.

I need to figure this out. I hate it when they attack only me...I mean sometimes they hit someone named OT....his nameplate says something different...I opened up a ticket telling Blizz my UI was bugged, but all I got from the GM was "Stop bugging me with jokes" and he closed the ticket!

I talked about going back to flower picking and selling stuff on the AH, but my wife cut me off for like 2 weeks! (normally its only a week and a half and only when I do good in raids).

Help Moo!

Signed,
Bullied by Mobs (and my guild sometimes)


Dear Bullied;

Why do mobs pick on you? Well, I checked your guild out on the armory and you're the prettiest one there. Mobs hate toons that are pretty...that's why raids filled with Orcs, Trolls and Gnomes do so well and ones with Blood Elf, Human, Night Elf and Tauren females do so poorly. The mobs can't generate the jealousy required to do uuber damage when the toons are as ugly as they are.

But that's not really your issue is it? The problem is your marriage, more specifically you.

I hate to tell you this, but to your wife you're nothing more than an organic multi-boxing add on. Does she have a nickname for you...is it "Bot"?

The fact that you're less worried about this and more worried that mobs pick on you speaks volumes about how you view yourself in the world. I wouldn't say this is self-esteem but it runs deeper than that.

I'd be willing to wager that while you were growing up your mom told you you were pretty, and, when your dad wasn't around, dressed you up in dresses and pigtails.

Now, I don't know how your wife will react to this, but you need to man up...and if it works and she doesn't like the fact that you can think for yourself, you won't care.

So....here's what you have to do.

Drop the wine coolers and drink beer...not the good imported stuff...get the cheapest stuff you can get...and learn to belch. My dad always told me that cheap beer puts hair on a man's chest, so I think its got testosterone in it or something.

Next, watch as much Ultimate Fighting as you can. Condition yourself not to look away during the violent bits, but rather jump off the couch and cheer jubilantly (extra points if you spill your beer doing this).

Next...work on your raiding. Go to tankspot.com and read up on DK tanking. Here's the thing....tanks WANT mobs to hit them. And when you're in a raid and a mob your tanking goes after dps...yell at them (the dps, not the mob)....tell them something like "WATCH YOUR FUCKING THREAT NOOB OR YOU CAN BLOODY WELL TANK IT!!!"...practice in a mirror...get good at saying that.

Work on being the best tank you can be.

Now we'll deal with the wife and hopefully save your marriage...

Go get Recount Meter, and watch your wife's dps. If she's not at the top, gently criticize her, and suggest she grind heroics for better gear. If she's at the bottom, mock her for it, then refuse to speak to her until she improves.

As for sex...I would tell her that unless she's at the top of the meter she's on her own.

You'll likely find this the best advice on saving your marriage you can get. Remember, I've been married twice, so I've had lots of practice.

Oh wait...if your wife is a healer, then, well...treat her like gold!

Best of Luck!
Moo



-a note from Moo. No offense to imported beer drinkers...I drink Stella, and if you've a problem with that I'll happily shove my beautifully crafted Stella pint glass down your throat! :)