Your Kink is okay with me...

Hi Moo;

I'm a level 75 male Blood Elf Mage and I need some advice on this issue that's been hounding me since I've been level 20 or so.

I play with a group of friends. We play almost every day and its sort of fun, but its also very frustrating... on a sexual level.

We've got a female undead Warlock in our group. She's a good friend and has a sexy voice, but well...its not her (ewww...undead...smelly!), but her umm, ahhh....her Succubus.

I mean, okay, I guess I'm normal in that who wouldn't fall in love with a sexy little minx that can stun-lock charm you, but Moo...its...her whip! I go mad with jealousy when I see her flogging mobs, so much so that I think its made me dps better.

I've talked to my Warlock friend about this, suggesting she use other pets, like her Voidwalker. I even bribed her to Demon spec so she'd get a Felguard, but no, she stays affliction, and despite the fact that it violates all WoW Warlock theorycrafting she keeps her Succubus out because she "likes her".

So every time I play its hard, watching the succubus swing her whip around and not getting even a taste! Whens she emotes, "I'm not touching you!", it makes me want to scream, "TOUCH ME!! I'VE BEEN BAD! TOUCH ME!".

Its sort of like watching porn with your parents. You can watch, you can get aroused, but you can't do anything about it!

What do I do Moo?!

Signed,
Frustrated


Dear Frustrated;

Right off the cuff, my advice would be to drop WoW and take up Hello Kitty Online as I'm fairly certain there are no hot whip swinging toons there.

But of course WoW is the best game ever invented (with the possible exception of Badminton) so you don't want to give it up, so we need to explore options for you.

I'm not sure how well you know the warlock or if you'd trust her enough to open up to her about your needs. If you are, tell her what you need. You could even bribe her to duel you and let her succubus loose without dotting you up.

There are a some potential problems with that, so lets discuss them.
The first and has the most potential for serious rl problems is if you pay your warlock friend for this, you might want to consult with lawyers in both your jurisdictions as prostitution laws can be tricky. Remember, this would make your warlock friend a pimp.

If you're not worried about that, then you need to make sure you do this privately. While we know that they are rare, there are tales of players within the game who make sport of belittling others. I personally have never seen this, but I once heard it happens.

If one of these players is around when you are essentially getting your ass handed to you by a warlock's pet, your reputation is going to suffer and you'll probably be flamed in General and Trade Chat as a "noob". You might even be accused of having bought your toon on e-Bay.

You might want to try going onto your realm forums and mock Alliance warlocks while leaving your toon standing at the gates of ICC on the off chance one of them will only use their succubus on you, but that will be hit and miss.

The only other thing that I can suggest you try is googling "Succubus Porn". I would, but I have enough vices and don't really have time to squeeze in any more.

Good Luck!
Moo