Huntard

Hi Moo;

I'm an 80 hunter. My friends are all trying to get me to raid. So I do, but then they tell me I'm terribad.

I'm fully spec'd in beast mastery, all 71 points. I figure this is good because I've got a wolf as a pet and when he enrages he turns all red and scary. I mean if he scares me, how do the mobs feel about him? I'm told I should spec survival but we've got a really, really good tank...I mean she's freakin awesome! So if I'm never getting hit why would I need to spec survival?

Then there is this rotation stuff. I got asked in a raid what my rotation was, and when I told them I used my mouse to turn and would rotate left or right, depending on the situation, they kicked me out!! I mean why?? I thought keyboard turning was bad!

I asked my friend and he told me to go and search for "Hunter Rotations". So I did, but all I find is algebra!! I mean SS + AS + ES. I was pretty bad at math in school, so I don't understand what they mean.

My friends all raid without me and it sounds like they're having a really good time, but all I do is go pick flowers and make potions for them.

Can you help me to not suck Moo?

Signed,

Don't want to be a Huntard


Dear Huntard;

You actually got kicked from a raid because you're not a keyboard turner? I'm shocked!

I was actually going to roll a hunter, because doing massive damage with autoshoot would give me more time to surf porn while raiding, but, well, we needed a healer, and I'm awesome at healing. So that's that. (my tank almost dropped dead when I mentioned I surf porn during boss fights (I thought she knew)...I wonder why?)

I don't think your problem is your rotation, or the fact that you epic fail at math. Btw, SS + AS + ES = 42...just so you know. The issue. despite your assertions that you think you're doing good, is your constant need for attention.

When you think of it, you're kind of pathetic. Being a hunter isn't that hard so you're obviously sucking for attention...that reminds me of a girl I knew once, but I digress. I wonder how your friends feel about your fishing for compliments when you hand them the potions you made them...I wonder how they feel about you giving them potions and not flasks?

You could try and switch tactics and try to get attention by being really good. But you're a hunter and this is an uphill battle...as this excerpt from the chat window of a recent raid will show

HUNTER: OMG, I just did 32k dps!
TANK: Wow, ummmmmm, gratz?
TANK Whispers Moo: Isn't that normal for a hunter?
MOO: What? Sorry, I wasn't paying attention.

If you can't do that I would suggest taking up one or more of the following professions or hobbies to feed your need for attention:

- Stripper
- Astronaut
- Movie Star
- Rock Star
- Lady Gaga's Fashion Designer
- Guy or girl who stands downtown wearing a tinfoil hat shouting that the world will end (people pretend to not pay attention, but believe me they are!)
- Guy or girl who storms out of his house wearing nothing but a bathroom and screams at all the kids to get off his lawn (this usually works for me)
- Girl who wears white after labour day.
- Person who spontaneously combusts at a shopping mall

Those are only a few suggestions, I'm sure with a little thought you can expand the list!

Cheers,
Moo

The family that raids together...doesn't necessarily...

Dear Moo,

My husband and I have been World of Warcraft for a few years now, it’s been going fairly well. However, I've met this other woman in game...a BELF Pally tank and lately it seems I’ve been more excited playing with her than my husband. I’m very confused as I don’t feel friendship towards her, it’s more primal.


Confused Cow


Dear Confused;

What's going on here is pretty obvious.
You haven't mentioned your husband's class, or playstyle or leetness at all, so I'm going to presume he's a casual player.

And there's nothing wrong with that, except in the case where you're married to, and playing with another WoW Player.

You're probably worried about your feelings towards this other woman, wondering if you're bi-sexual, or maybe even a full-on lesbian. I can imagine this is keeping you awake at night, with questions like "Do I invite my husband to my "Coming Out" Party?"

Well, relax. You're probably not a lesbian...probably.

What is more likely is that you have a condition called Opaphelia, or more properly spelt OPaphelia. You are sexually attracted to players who truly are OP, regardless of their race or gender (in game and irl)

You likely haven't noticed this before, as I imagine you wrote off the little twinges of lust you felt when watching someone climb the meters to the porn you were surfing in another window. If you don't surf porn in another window you were probably thinking about it...same thing.

But, you've "befriended" this woman so you're around her more and have noticed these primal urges are associated with her online status.

What to do about this? Well there are a couple of avenues.

The first, and the one I would recommend is to engage in hot, steamy cybersex. I'm willing to assist in this. Merely send me the chat logs (and any webcam, voice chat recordings), and I will give them a thorough analysis...at no charge because you're an avid reader.

This will allow you to fully explore your feelings.

The second you will need to alter your gaming set up for. First off...wrap your monitor in plastic, then go out and buy one of those roll-up rubber waterproof keyboards. Move your PC so it is well away from your seat.

Next, you'll need one of those water cooler things with the 18L jugs of water (make sure it refrigerates the water.

Once you have all that set up, get a big pitcher and keep it filled with chilled water at all times.

Whenever your friend comes online or speaks to you, douse yourself with cold water, liberally.

This is called "aversion therapy". It sounds like it would be pretty effective.

I hope something in all this has helped.

Good luck!

Cheers,
Moo

Hiatus is almost over

Hi Folks;

I should've posted this sooner. I've been silent.

I had a death in the family. My beloved aunt, Tante Lettie passed after a brief fight with cancer. She was taken suddenly and it hit me hard. May she rest in peace.

Immediately after her funeral I had to go to Dallas for a week for work. It was a busy but fun week (The Gaylord Texan is awesome for kids...for adults...kinda boring, unless you're there with WoW on your laptop...wireless sucks though).

I also got hit with the forum ban hammer for advertising my blog. So if you know any place where I can post updates, or get them to link to my blog I'd be grateful

I'm back and I've a few ideas brewing, so a new letter will be posted soon!

...if you've any ideas for letters, please email me!


Luv,
Moo

'Lock Aggro

Hi Moo;

I haven't been playing this game too long. I've got a hunter whose just hit level 30.

When I first started playing it was fun. I met this warlock and we started questing together. Pretty soon we started talking about our lives outside the game, and you know, I really like this guy (but not in a gay way).

So anyway, we got into a fight about how hunters are OP and stopped questing together. I kept trying to patch things up, then one day he put me on his ignore list.

I was crushed.

I saw him every now again, and saw he was leveling really fast. Last I saw him he was 74!

One day while I was questing in Duskwood and hearthed back to Stormwind for something and there he was in the inn! I saw him turn towards me and waved at him but he ran off with some guildies.

A few minutes later, he whispered me, "Hey". I was so happy! I replied, then he said, "1 sec"

A couple of minutes later I got a summons from him! I took it, and ended up way out in the ocean with him and 2 of his guildies. I asked them if they needed my help on a quest or something, then they hearthed! I died like 5 times from fatigue trying to swim back to Stormwind!

I whispered him asking him what went wrong that he had to hearth. He logged off.

I didn't hear from him for a couple of weeks. Then out of the blue he whispered me and asked if I could hearth to Stormwind and pick him up some mana drinks, then he'd summon me and give me 15 gold. He's my friend, so of course I said yes!

So he summons me. To Storm Peaks. On top of a mountain. In the middle of nowhere!

I get there and I see him and his friends flying off. I can't fly off anywhere! I'm only level 30!

I didn't get my 15g either!

Why does he keep summoning me for help and then go away? I mean, if he's so busy why doesn't he wait before summoning me?

Signed,
Don't Summon Me!


Dear Don't

This is a real head scratcher. Seriously, I just scratched my head.

There are two problems here. The first is that you're needy and don't have many friends. I think there are a couple of things you could do to fix this.

The first, everyday at the same time you should sit in front of a mirror, look at yourself and say this. "Hi, my name is [your name here], I smart, and talented. I'm a good person and I'm good at World of Warcraft. I'm not at all needy or gullible, and dog gone it people like me!"

Back in the 80's they called this a "Daily Affirmation". It was for people with self-esteem so low that they'd believe any positive bullshit they'd hear from anyone...including a mirror.

If you don't have a mirror or aren't incredibly lame, you might try SecondLife. You can build some hot, sexy toon and have members of the opposite sex pay lots of attention to you. You can run around and try to find quests, but good luck with that.

All that's well and good if you're a bit of a...I want to use the word pansy, but I don't want to insult you. So ummm, hmmm, if you're ahhh...mild mannered.
Otherwise there is only one thing you can do...

REVENGE!!!!

You're low level and he's climbing up pretty quick so changing factions and camping his ass isn't going to work...and by camping his ass, I don't mean in a gay way.

Here's what I would do in your situation.

Go out and start a trial account and see if you can post to the forums with it. Go to the realm forums and post looking for Horde PvP'ers willing to take up your cause. Offer to pay them, in real money. Make it a contest, like...the first person to send you a screen shot of his corpse will get $500 in their paypal account (I personally would go much higher, but that's me).
Then you neglect to close the contest once the deed is done. It would be good in fact to keep bumping up your post. You might want to switch servers or factions after doing this though...because you know...you're pissing off people who like to camp other players.

If that's not to your taste I would take a leave of absence from your job (or quit outright and move back to your parents basement...unless you're already there). Get your hunter up to 80 ASAP and start raiding. Change your toon's name too. Get into raids with him and constantly misdirect on him. Do this everytime your CD's are up. Make sure you yell at him in vent for not watching his threat.

You'll probably get found out by the raid, but as long as you've got the money to change your name repeatedly you can do it over and over.

One more suggestion.
Roll a warlock with the same name as your "friend". Use some special characters but very discrete ones. Level your new lock to 80. Then join raids. Roll on plate armour, curse at people and generally suck. Make sure no one would ever invite you to a raid again. Do that often, as much as you can.
Also, yell alot in Dalaran, and in trade. Curse at people, insult them, tell people you can do crafting that you can't...and make them come to you in Silvermoon, offering them great deals to make it worth the trip.
Your friend's name will be mud. Keep an eye on his friends. If you see them hanging out with a new warlock with similiar gear, change your name using the same rule...something that looks identical.

And remember, "Revenge is a dish best served cold."

Have fun, and be safe!
Moo.

Emote Hell

/target Mooicusrex
/golfclap
/angry
/chicken
/invite
/invite to sign charter
/invite to sign charter
/invite to sign charter
/invite to sign charter
/duel
/duel
/duel
/duel
/duel
/spit
/chicken
/rude
/gasp
/bark
/bite
/snub

Signed,
Goober



Dear Goober;

/ignore Goober

Luv,
Moo



--apologies to all the Goober's out there...I just picked a name out of thin air :)

Feeling Picked On...

Hi Moo;

I'm a Prot Warrior. I went Prot because that's what my wife said our guild needed. I'm supposed to do something called "Tanking". I don't know what that means, but my guild was pretty happy when I said that..something about not having to PuG.

I was happy just running around picking flowers and emoting waves to Allied players. Sometimes they kill me, which hurts my feelings, but wifey says that's part of the game and I shouldn't get too upset about it.

So anyway, I started raiding, but I don't get it. I'm mean I'm pretty good at following instructions. My wife sat with me and showed me what buttons to push when certain things happened. Like to start a fight I press 4 to drop Death and Decay, then T for Icy Touch, then F for Plague, then 6 for Pestilence, then G twice, then B until I can't do that, then G again. Oh every once in awhile I have to hit the "forward" button on this cool mouse my wife bought me to do Death Coil...I like doing that, the graphic is neat.

So here's my question...why do the mobs pick on me? I mean there are 9 other people in the raid, but they always seem to be hitting me...and omg, if they hit someone else I get screamed at to "Pick it up! Pick it up!"? I can't find the "Pick Up" button, and when asked my wife she just threw me a look and walked out of the room.

I need to figure this out. I hate it when they attack only me...I mean sometimes they hit someone named OT....his nameplate says something different...I opened up a ticket telling Blizz my UI was bugged, but all I got from the GM was "Stop bugging me with jokes" and he closed the ticket!

I talked about going back to flower picking and selling stuff on the AH, but my wife cut me off for like 2 weeks! (normally its only a week and a half and only when I do good in raids).

Help Moo!

Signed,
Bullied by Mobs (and my guild sometimes)


Dear Bullied;

Why do mobs pick on you? Well, I checked your guild out on the armory and you're the prettiest one there. Mobs hate toons that are pretty...that's why raids filled with Orcs, Trolls and Gnomes do so well and ones with Blood Elf, Human, Night Elf and Tauren females do so poorly. The mobs can't generate the jealousy required to do uuber damage when the toons are as ugly as they are.

But that's not really your issue is it? The problem is your marriage, more specifically you.

I hate to tell you this, but to your wife you're nothing more than an organic multi-boxing add on. Does she have a nickname for you...is it "Bot"?

The fact that you're less worried about this and more worried that mobs pick on you speaks volumes about how you view yourself in the world. I wouldn't say this is self-esteem but it runs deeper than that.

I'd be willing to wager that while you were growing up your mom told you you were pretty, and, when your dad wasn't around, dressed you up in dresses and pigtails.

Now, I don't know how your wife will react to this, but you need to man up...and if it works and she doesn't like the fact that you can think for yourself, you won't care.

So....here's what you have to do.

Drop the wine coolers and drink beer...not the good imported stuff...get the cheapest stuff you can get...and learn to belch. My dad always told me that cheap beer puts hair on a man's chest, so I think its got testosterone in it or something.

Next, watch as much Ultimate Fighting as you can. Condition yourself not to look away during the violent bits, but rather jump off the couch and cheer jubilantly (extra points if you spill your beer doing this).

Next...work on your raiding. Go to tankspot.com and read up on DK tanking. Here's the thing....tanks WANT mobs to hit them. And when you're in a raid and a mob your tanking goes after dps...yell at them (the dps, not the mob)....tell them something like "WATCH YOUR FUCKING THREAT NOOB OR YOU CAN BLOODY WELL TANK IT!!!"...practice in a mirror...get good at saying that.

Work on being the best tank you can be.

Now we'll deal with the wife and hopefully save your marriage...

Go get Recount Meter, and watch your wife's dps. If she's not at the top, gently criticize her, and suggest she grind heroics for better gear. If she's at the bottom, mock her for it, then refuse to speak to her until she improves.

As for sex...I would tell her that unless she's at the top of the meter she's on her own.

You'll likely find this the best advice on saving your marriage you can get. Remember, I've been married twice, so I've had lots of practice.

Oh wait...if your wife is a healer, then, well...treat her like gold!

Best of Luck!
Moo



-a note from Moo. No offense to imported beer drinkers...I drink Stella, and if you've a problem with that I'll happily shove my beautifully crafted Stella pint glass down your throat! :)

AFK Anxiety

Dear Moo;

I'm running a 25 man ICC raid atm, and I've got a problem. I need your help urgently.

One of my tanks said, "brb, bio". Then a healer said, "afk for a tick".

It's been 20 minutes!

People are getting bitchy and telling me to kick them, but its hard finding a tank, and the healer has a really hot voice on vent. I like it when she talks...its hot!

Help Moo, I don't want to have PuG slots but people are getting anxious!

Signed,
Don't want to go back to Dal to spam for PuG's.



Dear Don't Wanna Spam

Well, the one thing is obvious that your tank and healer are off having sex...maybe with each other, maybe with themselves. Remember when someone says they're taking a bio that could mean fulfilling any biological function...and sex is one of the most awesome biological functions going.

Now, its only been 20 minutes, so I think your raid might be filled with a bunch of kids hopped up on Red Bull, because 20 minutes isn't that long to wait.

The fact that everyone is remote makes some of the standards of keeping people like that amused out of the question. I'm talking things like shaking your keys at them, or flashing a laser pointer around a wall so they can chase it.

So, here are some things you can try to keep them amused....

Offer them all a pony if they stay. This can get complicated, especially if you don't happen to have a herd of ponies that you're not doing anything with. If you do, ensure you check on what hurdles you have to jump through to export livestock. Check carefully because there are probably special rules for cute livestock like ponies.

One of my favorite things to do is compare raid bosses to my ex-wives. Like when Lady Deathwhisper yells, "What is this disturbance?! You dare trespass upon this hallowed ground? This shall be your final resting place." gives me fond memories of trying to initiate sex with my first wife.

Impatient raid members are also a fertile flock for spreading rumours. Come up with some rumour that will make them scramble for web pages for confirmation. You could try things like:

-Hey, did you hear in Cata that DK's will get a Pally bubble?

-Wow, Resto shammies will be getting an AoE fear! or

-Hey, have any of you ever played Everquest? They just bought Blizz and have announced "big changes"


You get the idea...be creative! After starting the rumour, its important that you too go afk to avoid being put in a position where you have to provide a reference. But always provide somethine vague, like, "Oh, a blue post", or "I think I saw it on wow.com, or tankspot, I don't remember which". Remember, the idea is to keep them busy hunting down the source of these rumours!

So, are your afkr's back yet?

Cheers,
Moo