Conflicting Priorities....

Dear Moo;

Cataclysm is about to come out and I'm in a bit of a situation here and hoping you can give me some advice.

I've been unemployed for about 8 months now. My wife and I are on the verge of being evicted.

Cataclysm is on the horizon and it is the one shining thing in my life that has kept me going through these dark times.

Well, dark until yesterday.

I checked my lottery ticket and have discovered that we are now $15 million richer!

Wow...all my problems disappeared! I rushed home to tell my wife she could stop crying, when it hit me....

Cata is next week! If I win the lottery now, my wife is at the very least going to want to move, but will probably want to travel! I don't want to miss opening week of Cataclysm! I can go with a couple of months of ramen noodles and hotdog weiners while I get to 85! The man at legal aid says he can put off the eviction for that long!

How the hell am I gonna play WoW if my wife is dragging me all over the world seeing the sites?! I don't wanna travel the world seeing the sites, I want to go to Hyjal and quest with my guild

While sitting watching our blank tv screen, pretending we were watching The Event (that show is pretty freaky, even if you make up what you're seeing), I sort of floated the idea that if we won the lottery, I'd get a kick ass laptop and a satellite internet connection while she went shopping. She said, "No way Jose!" (my name's not Jose btw).

So what do I do Moo? I'm pretty sure my wife would be happy with $15 million, but it would be months before I could Cata it up!

Signed,
Rich and Not Loving It


Dear Rich;

Well, you could always send your money to me. I don't have a wife to tell me what to do, and with $15 million I could just buy one who would do whatever I wanted (like not bugging me on raid nights)

The solution to your problem is quite simple. Divorce.

Give your wife the winning ticket and tell her to get lost. Its obvious that she's just not that into you if she won't let you play WoW on a satellite feed as you travel the world.

Sure, sure, you would miss out on being rich, but maybe you could make enough to support your habit by spending your time between raids pushing around a shopping cart and collecting recyclables and selling them.

I see all these ads about housewives who make thousands of dollars working from home. You could try whatever they do, but, if its prostitution it could get a bit weird (but hey, you could play WoW between clients...so that's not so bad huh?).

So, anyway, if you want to give me the $15 million, just email me for my address and I'll buy you a nice gaming machine.

Love,
Moo

Being Camped...Around the clock...

Dear Moo;

I'm a pirate. I like being a pirate. I get to walk back and forth on the same path, and sometimes I get to stand by a tent near Ratchet.

Its an exciting life for sure!

Lately, I'm having this problem. I keep getting camped by Level 80s. I mean seriously...level 80's, and some of them in heroic ICC gear. What the hell is wrong with these guys?! They run back and forth one shotting me and my friends. I rez, 30 seconds later, I'm dead! Is there an epidemic of insecurity amongst 80's that they have to boost their egos slaughtering us??

They do this for hours!! I haven't eaten in days! There's no time to eat!

Was it something I did? Something I said?

Is there some way I can get these rejects to leave us alone?!

Sincerly... er, I mean ARRRR Matey

Southsea Sarah



Dear Sarah;

You know, for someone whose supposed to be evil and the scourge of the seas you whine an awful lot.

Here's the problem. Its not the 80's grinding through you mercilessly...its you, and your pirate friends.

To avoid being ganked over and over again, there is are two things you can try to increase your lifespan.

Running Away. This tactic is moderately effective. You can increase its effectiveness by not rezzing when there are any player characters around, then rezzing quickly and running into the hills. You can further increase its effectiveness by not telling your friends. Let them act as yummy, distracting fodder while you flee.

The second is Hiding. This can lead to mixed results. Stand behind a tree or far up a hill. The 80's are well into their killing trance and won't look to hard for strays. You could always try hiding in a tent as well. No one bothers to look there when everyone is just standing around in plain sight.

That being said, you could look upon your many deaths as doing a great service to your fellow pirates in other locations. After all you're so easy to kill that no one bothers with the pirates in other locations. Oh hey, here's an idea. Try levelling up....stop being so frickin lazy!

It occurs to me that maybe Cheesybeards is hiring...I'm pretty sure 80's stay away from that place.

Love,
Moo

New Job Jitters

Dear Moo;

Ummm, I'm a long time reader, first time writer.

You don't know me, but I'm a level ?? dragon that's getting a lot of hype in World of Warcraft blogs, and updates and what not.

I even make a very brief but impressive appearance in an official wow video, er, I mean cinematic.

The day is approaching when I will wreck havoc across Azeroth and strike fear into the hearts of its denizens, and hopefully player characters! Well, its not me wrecking havoc, I've got a bunch of guys to do that...oh, and Sarah...sorry Sarah, didn't mean to leave you out.

Here's the problem Moo.

I'm terrified. I mean, what if I don't live up to everyone's expectations? I'm worried that the very first PuG that gets to me will one shot me and go bragging to all their friends and the entire world that they "1-shotted Deathwing!". I mean really, how would I live that down?

What if Blizz gets hate mail that I'm not viscous enough, hard enough, that I'm not a challenge at all!?

Seriously Moo I can't go back to working in a call center selling foot massagers to old people!! Do you know how humiliating it will be when I say, "Hello Ma'am, my name is Deathwing, and did you know that for today only you can get a special deal on the Relaxomatic vibrating foot massager?"

If that happens the wife will kill me and the kids will probably stop talking to me. I mean, now that all their school friends have heard that I'm going to be kicking ass in Azeroth they're cool again. If I get fired, they're probably going to get beat up.

So, Moo, what's your advice? If this is performance anxiety how do I deal with it? And if its not, do you know anyone whose hiring dragons?

Due to a Non-Disclosure Agreement I signed with Blizzard, I can't reveal my name, so just sign me as "Henry".

PS. I like my steak lean, so if you can shed a few pounds before 85, I'd really appreciate it!




Dear Henry

I'll admit that I'm a bit conflicted here. First off you ask for my help, then you make a snide comment about my weight.....are you maybe my first wife?

Anyway, lets get to your issues.

New job jitters are something that everyone goes through. Well everyone that's ever had a job. So don't worry, its natural.

The key to being your best at your new job is preparation. You're supposed to be a big bad raid boss, and there are ways you can ensure you are.

The first thing I would do in your place is go to Tankspot and start watching boss fight videos, learn from your predecessors mistakes.

Here are some tips...

First thing, you should always go for healers first. Ignore the ones that start the fight...they're called tanks and can be very very hard to kill. Healers are often wearing cloth armour and are very likely more chewy than crunchy...if you like that sort of thing.

Note to self: Respec Elemental

After the healers are dead the raid is pretty much screwed, so you can just take your time and eat whomever looks tastiest.

To assist with this I would click this
link and do some research on how to avoid being drawn to tanks.

The next thing...and this is very important....never do the same thing twice. Raids expect you to follow a script.
Use your imagination and try things like hiding in different parts of the instance and jumping out at the raid when they are afk for bio's and things like that. Note that if you come in behind the raid, that's usually where the healers are standing.
You could also try assembling a raid of your own. Gather up some of your friends and make the fight fair.

Now, hopefully you find this advice helpful, and can maybe help me out a bit. I'll email you a list of players I wouldn't mind seeing demolished over and over again!

Good Luck!
Moo

Hate Magnet....

Hi Moo;

I really need your help.

I need gear really bad, so I started putting together ICC raids to get it.

I am very particular with who I take. If you don't have good enough gear, I won't take you.

That's good right? I mean I don't want to fail, so I work to keep the best group possible.

Whenever I start advertising in /trade everyone starts making fun of me! People are upset that I turn them down because they haven't got gear off of the second wing, pointing out that I have Naxx gear on...but Moo...its Naxx 25!!

Besides, I'm not doing it so *they* can get gear, I'm doing it so I can get gear! I mean really....if they need gear let them put together their own raids!

So it's only gotten worse this past week! I begrudgingly accepted a DK tank who was just below my minimum gearscore (but she did point out that she was 800 points ahead of me). I'm a DK, so ya know, I thought there was a connection.

So you know, because we're DK's and sort of like bro's (except she's a girl), I figured she'd understand me replacing her with a pally tank that came on after we got Lady Deathwhisper down.

I don't get it. I did her a favour letting her do those 2 bosses with us...that's 4 frost badges.

She freaks out! She gets all religious on me ranting about how now she's saved...and Moo, I'm not a very religious guy, but I think people who've been saved don't use language like she was using.

It seems everytime I run a raid, it falls apart, and I just get more and more gnerdrage in trade channel.

Any advice

Signed
/trade channel hate magnet



Dear Magnet;

People now a days, eh?

I mean really, you have to go by gearscore now a days as skill isn't so important as to who might be rolling against you on gear. So, your gs is 4.8, don't take anyone below 5.4, because they might compete with you for gear.

That is completely reasonable.

And the DK you raid kicked because someone better came along. Completely understandable. I think it was awful selfish of her to spout of at you because you decided that a pally tank might not roll against you for gear...er, ummm, was better. She should've been thinking of you and the 8 other strangers in the raid and just left quietly.

I kid of course (so put your angry anti-Moo posters away).

I kind of feel sorry for you. All your life you've been carried and now you expect people in game do it for you.
You're like the guy they hand the clipboard to, give you a spot to stand and a special hat to wear. They make you feel important, your name is on the team roster and picture when they win....but you didn't do a damn thing to get them there.

Of course your motivation behind all this is clear. You don't don't give a damn about running ICC. This is about revenge.

You got turned down from so many raids because of your Naxx gear that something in your brain broke. You've gone mad from rejection and have found a way to get your revenge...

So you start your own ICC groups and play grand marshal saying yay or nay. Accepting, shifting and removing people at whim.....without actually ever going to ICC.

This way you get to power trip, ruin people's night by making sure they don't get into a raid that's actually going to ICC, then being so fussy that after a couple of hours you have to say, "Sorry, it looks like this isn't happening".

Of course you seem to forget that people have memories in game, and will start mocking you whenever you pop on trade.

This is a good case of what goes around, comes around. You screw over enough people, they're going to call you out.

My advice...change names, change servers, change games. But whatever you do remember that people don't play this game for you, they play for themselves, but many of them...unlike you, aren't so selfish to play games like this.

Love,
Moo

Real ID

You know, I have to wade in on this.

Its not too hard to figure out who I am. I have a Facebook fan group...and I started it.

That being said, very few of you know that my alt is DK tank extraordinaire Reginamorte. Oh wait, did I type that out loud?

I don't worry about stalkers. I'm a shape shifting ninja...I can pretty much handle anything that comes at me. I should point out that the reason I'm in a hurry to log off after raids is so I can go and fight crime, not surf porn! (I am a *good* shape-shifting ninja...not like my twin brother Hashiro, who is evil (I wear red, he wears black...we're easy to tell apart).

Anyway...

The Real ID thing is more than about privacy. It is about Blizzard losing touch with their users. There is a definitive move towards making Battlenet like Facebook.

The blue post announcing this speaks of how Blizzard employees are 'enthusiastic' users of social networking services. They speak of how they noticed how real life friendships were forged at Blizzcon.

That's nice.

I know tons of WoW players who despise social networking. The wouldn't go to Blizzcon if Blizz paid all their expenses and offered free dancing girls. (I'd go for the dancing girls!). They do not play to "forge real-life" friendships.

They play WoW to play a game. Yes, they've made some friends along the way. But that doesn't mean they want to be their friend outside of the game, or even know who they really are.

For Blizzard to think that because they are enthusiastic users of social networking, that that means everyone must be is well...naive.

When I started playing, I was a woman. It wasn't deliberate. I was playing on an RP server. I rolled a Night Elf because I thought she looked hot. I got my friend to play. He rolled a female human for the same reason. We joined a guild, we got to know people. I didn't discuss my non-game life *at all*.

My friend however, discussed my "real life" at length with my guildies. He talked about how I was 40, professional, despised men, had a string of broken relationships...and oh yes, I was a woman.

That didn't last too long, we eventually fessed up and we all had a good laugh.

My point in telling this story?

World of Warcraft is a game. For many (myself included) this is an escape. Here I am not a frazzled, overworked, stressed computer programmer. I am "Moo", laid back, funny, and oft distracted healer. I like being "Moo".

When I played on the RP server, I played a character, fully. It was my choice. I was active in the forums, active in game, and I had a good time with it.

I see a time coming when Blizz will casually announce that RealID will be mandatory to chat in game....and you have the option of Opting out, by merely not chatting.

If RealID goes past the forums, and into the game itself (outside of its current incarnation, which I have turned off), I will leave World of Warcraft.

It will make me sad to do it...as I said, I like being Moo. But there are other games and new adventures.

Thanks for listening. I needed to babble.

A real Ask Moo will be along in a day or two...I'm out of ideas right now.

Huntard

Hi Moo;

I'm an 80 hunter. My friends are all trying to get me to raid. So I do, but then they tell me I'm terribad.

I'm fully spec'd in beast mastery, all 71 points. I figure this is good because I've got a wolf as a pet and when he enrages he turns all red and scary. I mean if he scares me, how do the mobs feel about him? I'm told I should spec survival but we've got a really, really good tank...I mean she's freakin awesome! So if I'm never getting hit why would I need to spec survival?

Then there is this rotation stuff. I got asked in a raid what my rotation was, and when I told them I used my mouse to turn and would rotate left or right, depending on the situation, they kicked me out!! I mean why?? I thought keyboard turning was bad!

I asked my friend and he told me to go and search for "Hunter Rotations". So I did, but all I find is algebra!! I mean SS + AS + ES. I was pretty bad at math in school, so I don't understand what they mean.

My friends all raid without me and it sounds like they're having a really good time, but all I do is go pick flowers and make potions for them.

Can you help me to not suck Moo?

Signed,

Don't want to be a Huntard


Dear Huntard;

You actually got kicked from a raid because you're not a keyboard turner? I'm shocked!

I was actually going to roll a hunter, because doing massive damage with autoshoot would give me more time to surf porn while raiding, but, well, we needed a healer, and I'm awesome at healing. So that's that. (my tank almost dropped dead when I mentioned I surf porn during boss fights (I thought she knew)...I wonder why?)

I don't think your problem is your rotation, or the fact that you epic fail at math. Btw, SS + AS + ES = 42...just so you know. The issue. despite your assertions that you think you're doing good, is your constant need for attention.

When you think of it, you're kind of pathetic. Being a hunter isn't that hard so you're obviously sucking for attention...that reminds me of a girl I knew once, but I digress. I wonder how your friends feel about your fishing for compliments when you hand them the potions you made them...I wonder how they feel about you giving them potions and not flasks?

You could try and switch tactics and try to get attention by being really good. But you're a hunter and this is an uphill battle...as this excerpt from the chat window of a recent raid will show

HUNTER: OMG, I just did 32k dps!
TANK: Wow, ummmmmm, gratz?
TANK Whispers Moo: Isn't that normal for a hunter?
MOO: What? Sorry, I wasn't paying attention.

If you can't do that I would suggest taking up one or more of the following professions or hobbies to feed your need for attention:

- Stripper
- Astronaut
- Movie Star
- Rock Star
- Lady Gaga's Fashion Designer
- Guy or girl who stands downtown wearing a tinfoil hat shouting that the world will end (people pretend to not pay attention, but believe me they are!)
- Guy or girl who storms out of his house wearing nothing but a bathroom and screams at all the kids to get off his lawn (this usually works for me)
- Girl who wears white after labour day.
- Person who spontaneously combusts at a shopping mall

Those are only a few suggestions, I'm sure with a little thought you can expand the list!

Cheers,
Moo

The family that raids together...doesn't necessarily...

Dear Moo,

My husband and I have been World of Warcraft for a few years now, it’s been going fairly well. However, I've met this other woman in game...a BELF Pally tank and lately it seems I’ve been more excited playing with her than my husband. I’m very confused as I don’t feel friendship towards her, it’s more primal.


Confused Cow


Dear Confused;

What's going on here is pretty obvious.
You haven't mentioned your husband's class, or playstyle or leetness at all, so I'm going to presume he's a casual player.

And there's nothing wrong with that, except in the case where you're married to, and playing with another WoW Player.

You're probably worried about your feelings towards this other woman, wondering if you're bi-sexual, or maybe even a full-on lesbian. I can imagine this is keeping you awake at night, with questions like "Do I invite my husband to my "Coming Out" Party?"

Well, relax. You're probably not a lesbian...probably.

What is more likely is that you have a condition called Opaphelia, or more properly spelt OPaphelia. You are sexually attracted to players who truly are OP, regardless of their race or gender (in game and irl)

You likely haven't noticed this before, as I imagine you wrote off the little twinges of lust you felt when watching someone climb the meters to the porn you were surfing in another window. If you don't surf porn in another window you were probably thinking about it...same thing.

But, you've "befriended" this woman so you're around her more and have noticed these primal urges are associated with her online status.

What to do about this? Well there are a couple of avenues.

The first, and the one I would recommend is to engage in hot, steamy cybersex. I'm willing to assist in this. Merely send me the chat logs (and any webcam, voice chat recordings), and I will give them a thorough analysis...at no charge because you're an avid reader.

This will allow you to fully explore your feelings.

The second you will need to alter your gaming set up for. First off...wrap your monitor in plastic, then go out and buy one of those roll-up rubber waterproof keyboards. Move your PC so it is well away from your seat.

Next, you'll need one of those water cooler things with the 18L jugs of water (make sure it refrigerates the water.

Once you have all that set up, get a big pitcher and keep it filled with chilled water at all times.

Whenever your friend comes online or speaks to you, douse yourself with cold water, liberally.

This is called "aversion therapy". It sounds like it would be pretty effective.

I hope something in all this has helped.

Good luck!

Cheers,
Moo