Tuesday, July 5, 2011

No Pause Button?

Dear Moo;

Why doesn't Blizzard put a frickin pause button in the game?!!

I mean, really, do you know how many times I've died because I had to go to the washroom? And you know, somedays it would be really good to just be able to pause the game redo my button bar because I realize mid fight I could suck less if I do that.

Do you have any idea why they don't do this?

Signed,
I Need to Pee!


Dear 90's Gamer;

Pause buttons are a thing of the past. Sort of like bridging technology between Zork and World of Warcraft.

It was pretty awesome to be able to pause a game mid fight, go get a coke (coke that tasted like classic but was regular coke), maybe go take a piss (that's what they called it back then...none of this "bio break" stuff). Then you can come back and keep going with the fight.

If you still fail you can pause again and go to the local Radio Shack and buy a guide on how to win the fight, stop off for dinner and a movie and still be at the same place when you come in at 3am smelling of cheap wine and latex. (not that that ever happened to me)

But, happily, I think there is a work around to not being able to pause WoW.

You know how at times everything else in the game freezes? I'm going to show you how to do that on purpose!

This is caused by "lag" which is caused when something interferes with the electrons coming from the internet to your computer. So that's what we need to replicate.

Look behind your computer for a cable that has two flashing lights by the place where it plugs in.

This is called an ethernet cable and its what connects your computer to the internet. They call it an ethernet cable because when the guy who invented it started waving it around the lab telling his mates that one day you would be able to get porn through it they thought he was sniffing ether. Because back then the only way to get good porn was to put on a coat with a hood, or a ridiculously large baseball cap with equally ridiculously large sunglasses, walk very quickly through a seedy neighbourhood and go into a store where the clerk was invariably an aging hippy with only a passing acquaintance with personal hygiene and mutter something about "needing this for research for a college class" as you shoved your stack of magazines across the counter to be rung through.

I digress. You need to unravel this cord until you've got enough to be able to lie a bit of it flat on the floor beside your computer.

Now, whenever you want to pause the game, you need to put something very heavy on this bit of the cord. This will stop the electrons from flowing and WoW will pause!

You might have to take a couple of shots at this, just try heavier and heavier objects until you get it!

I hope this helps!

Love,
Moo