Thursday, April 29, 2010

AFK Anxiety

Dear Moo;

I'm running a 25 man ICC raid atm, and I've got a problem. I need your help urgently.

One of my tanks said, "brb, bio". Then a healer said, "afk for a tick".

It's been 20 minutes!

People are getting bitchy and telling me to kick them, but its hard finding a tank, and the healer has a really hot voice on vent. I like it when she talks...its hot!

Help Moo, I don't want to have PuG slots but people are getting anxious!

Signed,
Don't want to go back to Dal to spam for PuG's.



Dear Don't Wanna Spam

Well, the one thing is obvious that your tank and healer are off having sex...maybe with each other, maybe with themselves. Remember when someone says they're taking a bio that could mean fulfilling any biological function...and sex is one of the most awesome biological functions going.

Now, its only been 20 minutes, so I think your raid might be filled with a bunch of kids hopped up on Red Bull, because 20 minutes isn't that long to wait.

The fact that everyone is remote makes some of the standards of keeping people like that amused out of the question. I'm talking things like shaking your keys at them, or flashing a laser pointer around a wall so they can chase it.

So, here are some things you can try to keep them amused....

Offer them all a pony if they stay. This can get complicated, especially if you don't happen to have a herd of ponies that you're not doing anything with. If you do, ensure you check on what hurdles you have to jump through to export livestock. Check carefully because there are probably special rules for cute livestock like ponies.

One of my favorite things to do is compare raid bosses to my ex-wives. Like when Lady Deathwhisper yells, "What is this disturbance?! You dare trespass upon this hallowed ground? This shall be your final resting place." gives me fond memories of trying to initiate sex with my first wife.

Impatient raid members are also a fertile flock for spreading rumours. Come up with some rumour that will make them scramble for web pages for confirmation. You could try things like:

-Hey, did you hear in Cata that DK's will get a Pally bubble?

-Wow, Resto shammies will be getting an AoE fear! or

-Hey, have any of you ever played Everquest? They just bought Blizz and have announced "big changes"


You get the idea...be creative! After starting the rumour, its important that you too go afk to avoid being put in a position where you have to provide a reference. But always provide somethine vague, like, "Oh, a blue post", or "I think I saw it on wow.com, or tankspot, I don't remember which". Remember, the idea is to keep them busy hunting down the source of these rumours!

So, are your afkr's back yet?

Cheers,
Moo




Wednesday, April 21, 2010

Ni Hao!

Hi Moo;

I guess I should start by saying that I really dig Asian chicks.

So I met this Asian girl playing a Blood Elf hunter with a really strange name "Xixixix" out in Terrokar Forest way back and from the moment she said "Ni Hao" I was in love!

I think she lives with her parents or something because all her messages are in code. She sends me to websites that say things like "YOU LOVE OUR PRICES BEST GOLD PRICES EVER!!" She obviously wants me to know that she loves me, and that she needs gold.

After a week, I nearly fell out of my chair when her website changed to say, "SPECIAL LOW PRICES JUST FOR YOU!". That's true love, right Moo?

What followed was months of secret discount codes, just for me...obviously our love was growing. I figured out the secret language of gold amounts translating to things she'd like to do to me (10g meant a kiss, don't make me say more :) ).

I don't mind buying her gold, but I wonder what she spends it on, because, well her gear is crap. All she does is run around and grind mobs and pick flowers and mine ore...every time I'm on, that's all she does.

I ask her if she wants to run some instances and she sends me to a website that says, "SALE CLOSING SOON! BUY GOLD NOW AT BEST PRICES!". I mean that's a pretty obvious secret message right?

Here's what making me think its over Moo and I don't know what to do...

I caught her the other day spamming her secret message websites in /trade. I mean..holy crap...she's a slut...sending OUR secret messages to every loser in trade?!

Do you see anyway I can save this Moo?

Signed,
Lovelorn



Dear Lorn;

Well, the short answer to this is no, there is no way to save this. I'm sorry to be so blunt.

Its obvious that you weren't man enough for her, or you couldn't buy her enough gold. Some people are fickle that way...they always want more and it looks like your girl's appetites were too great for you to fulfill.

This whole thing goes back to you and your relationship with your mother.
I say, with a fair degree of certainty, that you were breastfed well into your teens, often in front of your friends...if you had any friends. I can't imagine the trauma you went through when your mom finally cut you off (I won't go into her issues here).

Normally I would, at this point, explain to you that you were being a delusional twit in falling in love with a gold farmer, and the fact that you actually bought gold and gave it to her is more funny than then the time I tried to heal Marrowgar on my Death Knight.

But no, I'm not going to tell you that, what I will tell you is that I know a girl who is perfect for you! Her name is Fddjxyl, she is a level 1 Blood Elf Mage on Aegwynn.

If you've got the gold (say 1k a chat), she's got the time!

If she's not on and I am whisper me, and I'll go get her...ignore the fact that she and I are never on at the same time. Oh, she's never on Tuesdays, Thursdays or Sundays, because those are my raid nights. She, uh....babysits for me when I'm raiding!

Cheers,
Moo





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Friday, April 16, 2010

Your Kink is okay with me...

Hi Moo;

I'm a level 75 male Blood Elf Mage and I need some advice on this issue that's been hounding me since I've been level 20 or so.

I play with a group of friends. We play almost every day and its sort of fun, but its also very frustrating... on a sexual level.

We've got a female undead Warlock in our group. She's a good friend and has a sexy voice, but well...its not her (ewww...undead...smelly!), but her umm, ahhh....her Succubus.

I mean, okay, I guess I'm normal in that who wouldn't fall in love with a sexy little minx that can stun-lock charm you, but Moo...its...her whip! I go mad with jealousy when I see her flogging mobs, so much so that I think its made me dps better.

I've talked to my Warlock friend about this, suggesting she use other pets, like her Voidwalker. I even bribed her to Demon spec so she'd get a Felguard, but no, she stays affliction, and despite the fact that it violates all WoW Warlock theorycrafting she keeps her Succubus out because she "likes her".

So every time I play its hard, watching the succubus swing her whip around and not getting even a taste! Whens she emotes, "I'm not touching you!", it makes me want to scream, "TOUCH ME!! I'VE BEEN BAD! TOUCH ME!".

Its sort of like watching porn with your parents. You can watch, you can get aroused, but you can't do anything about it!

What do I do Moo?!

Signed,
Frustrated


Dear Frustrated;

Right off the cuff, my advice would be to drop WoW and take up Hello Kitty Online as I'm fairly certain there are no hot whip swinging toons there.

But of course WoW is the best game ever invented (with the possible exception of Badminton) so you don't want to give it up, so we need to explore options for you.

I'm not sure how well you know the warlock or if you'd trust her enough to open up to her about your needs. If you are, tell her what you need. You could even bribe her to duel you and let her succubus loose without dotting you up.

There are a some potential problems with that, so lets discuss them.
The first and has the most potential for serious rl problems is if you pay your warlock friend for this, you might want to consult with lawyers in both your jurisdictions as prostitution laws can be tricky. Remember, this would make your warlock friend a pimp.

If you're not worried about that, then you need to make sure you do this privately. While we know that they are rare, there are tales of players within the game who make sport of belittling others. I personally have never seen this, but I once heard it happens.

If one of these players is around when you are essentially getting your ass handed to you by a warlock's pet, your reputation is going to suffer and you'll probably be flamed in General and Trade Chat as a "noob". You might even be accused of having bought your toon on e-Bay.

You might want to try going onto your realm forums and mock Alliance warlocks while leaving your toon standing at the gates of ICC on the off chance one of them will only use their succubus on you, but that will be hit and miss.

The only other thing that I can suggest you try is googling "Succubus Porn". I would, but I have enough vices and don't really have time to squeeze in any more.

Good Luck!
Moo


Saturday, April 10, 2010

Too Much Awsome for Raids

Hi Moo;

I've got a f**king problem with stupid motherf**cking jerkoff PUG raid leaders!

For some stupid f**cking reason my guild never have f**cking room for me on their f**cking runs! I've been looking for some other c**cks**cking guild to take me, but everyone of the motherf**ckers won't let me f**cking join!

So anyway, I got to f**cking PuG every f*cking time I want to f**cking raid.

Here's the f**king problem. I keep getting kicked by stupid, moron, asshole, f**king, c**ks**king raid leaders!

I have f**king awesome f**king leet dps. Everyone else is shit compared to me! I don't mind telling the lazy, stoopid f**king newbs how to play their motherf**king class either!

I try to f**cking inspire these morons by saying things like "LEARN YER F**KING ROTATATION YOU STOOPID F**KING NOOB!". I know no one like being called names, so I do it, so they'll get better so I f**king stop...ya feel me?

The f**king raid leader then says, "Hey, calm down dude, its okay, its just a game."
So I call the motherf**ker a "f**king faggot", and he kicks me out!

Ya know, its probably because he f**king applied to my c**ks**king guild and was denied....motherf**ker!

So what do I do Moo? I needz gearz!

Signed

Sick of Stupid Motherf**king Raid Leaders.


Dear Stupid Motherf**ker;

I can tell you've spent hours perfecting the craft of articulate, meaningful expression.

My mother was always telling me that profanity is the realm of the weak mind and a poor grasp of the English language...but wtf does she know right?

So lets try and address your main problem.

Its a well known fact that PuG raid leaders don't like players who outshine them. So the problem is obvious that you're pushing 20K dps and making everyone else look like a moron.

That's the only reason I can think of that would get you continuously kicked out of raids. You state yourself that you go out of your way to help your fellow PuG'rs be better and to not fail so bad.

Its hard to find a solution about this because so many players who put PuGs together are really overly sensitive to awesome dps. They call excessive profanity "anti-social", and "disruptive"

I think the only solution for you is to when you're advertising for a raid, make sure you post your awesome 20K dps abilities so that you'll only be picked up by PuGs who aren't fail!

I jest of course....you're a moron, go play Super Mario Brothers on your Nintendo64 and leave us alone!

Love,
Moo

Monday, April 5, 2010

WoW Widow

Hi Moo;

I don't play this stupid game, but its causing some huge problems in my marriage. I've tried conventional advice columns but they haven't worked, so I'm turning to you.

My husband, Bill, is addicted to World of Warcraft. Its like I don't exist anymore. Its always "Raid Night", or "Achievement Night", or "Sorry honey, my guildies need me!"
What about ME?! I need him too!

I have to steal the power cord to his PC and his laptop battery in order to get him to help out with chores around the house, and when I do that he bitches at me for the 10 or 15 minutes it takes to take the garbage out, and then if I try to get him to do anything else he throws a temper tantrum, literally! He sits on the floor and cries until I give him his stuff back. Then I usually get a tirade about how he missed out on a "daily random" whatever that is.

Don't get me started about our sex life. Its non-existent. He never has time. I mean, it used to be all right when he started the stupid game, but really, why the hell did he have to start foreplay by yelling, "LOK TAR! You've got Bill aggro!" and insist I yell back "ZUG ZUG" as he jumped on me?!

I want my husband back Moo!

Signed
Frustrated WoW Widow



Dear Widow;

I'm very glad you brought this to me. I am more qualified than most to help you deal with this. I've been married twice and this makes me an expert in inter-spousal communication.

While I can understand your frustration on one level, I think you are missing some very serious advantages here.
First off, you can watch whatever you want on tv. You never have to fight for control of the remote, or put up with endless re-runs of Stargate SG1!

But if you really do want your man's attention, I suppose there are things you can do to get him back.

Its important to realize that some of the things that draw people to the game are quests and achievements. I would suggest that you incorporate these into your daily routine.

So, instead of yelling, "Hey Bill, do the dishes!", you would get his attention by standing in front of him holding a blue cardboard exclamation point over your head. Then say something like this:

"Oh Noble Bill, my kitchen is in danger of being over run by maggots and other disgusting, creepy crawling things! Only you, brave adventurer can save me! If you take this dish washing kit, and clean the dishes, I will give 14 gold and 75 rep when you return to me!"

When he comes back after completing the "quest", give him some of those chocolate coins covered in gold foil, and something from the basement that you were going to throw out anyway like old socks. Call them something like "Eviscerating Socks of the Condor". If he asks about vendoring the socks, offer some more "gold" for them. (you can just keep using the same socks, he won't notice, or care)

Keep a "Reputation Bar" on the fridge and colour it in as he gains rep with you. At each level (Friendly, Honoured, Revered and Exalted), be prepared to reward him with something. Once he's exalted, its typical that an "Epic Mount" be offered ("wink wink")

You can see that this has some limitations as it will only work until he reaches Exalted.

With some imagination you can expand out the quest and achievement system to cover many things

Do you like jewelery? Make it clear that he can earn rep with daily turn ins of ear rings, necklaces, whatever you like!

Need him to pick up his dirty clothes and put them in the hamper? Create an achievement!

Want him to take you out to dinner? Mention that your favorite dish at your favorite restaurant is "buff food" and will give him +stam (he'll know what it means).

Failing all that, you could always dress up like a Blood or Night Elf and dance on a mailbox. That seems to turn some guys on....

Hey, if you do that last thing, send me pictures, I'll help you with your uh...authenticity!

Cheers,
Moo



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